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luuuvestolick 58M
34 posts
10/11/2020 4:10 am

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted throw a party and invited of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and<b> lick </font></b>the sweat from between your tits" he says....
...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and<b> lick </font></b>it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and<b> lick </font></b>the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and<b> lick </font></b>it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink pints of Guinness..."
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went a hike
Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel the map was nowhere be seen.

They knocked the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock the door. They opened it find the Hindu priest standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock the door. They opened it find the rabbi standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock the door. They opened it find the pig and the cow standing there.
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs
but she's good with the .


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched the blonde in the dark and she slapped by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”


drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear
"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpressed, the second hobo took off his briefs, now a shit stained rag that might have been called white decades ago, and threw it at the wall.

It stuck on for a full minute! When it fell, rats immediately came and devoured it.

The third hobo then nonchalantly took off his thongs which are pure black, then threw it at the wall.

It stayed for less than a second.

The other hobos laughed at him, that is, until the black thong quivered and slowly inched back the wall like a caterpillar.

My take a shaggy story
A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here you go,” says the barman, “have a with him yourself. He’s still for sale - five quid.”

“Hello.” Says the cat.
“Wow, you really can talk!” The man says.
“ yes, buy a pint and packet of pork scratchings and I’ll tell you about it.” So the man buys the cat a pint and some scratchies.
“It began,” the cat begins after taking a long drink, “back in the 1860s. India, don’t you know. I was The viceroy’s pet. Went everywhere with him, watched the birth of a great nation. Marvellous really. One day I met this ancient yogi who taught me the secrets of the universe - infinite bliss, how communicate in any language, immortality, the lot. I studied under him for weeks and weeks. Well, after that I couldn’t stay confined the Raj for much longer and took off on an extended quest; travelled through Asia and ended in Novograd, Russia. Beastly cold place - don’t go, take it from . There was this tall beardy chap, Radputin or something his name was. Anyway, I convinced him it would be a grand idea get in with the tsarina, gullible little thing but quite rich and I’d picked a liking for caviar and bolly by then. Then I got bored again and wandered off halfway through one of their many parties.”

The cat has another deep drink and looks meaningfully at his nearly empty glass.

“Another one?” The man says.
“Splendid! So, I left the tsars and that wild eyed Georgian fellow get with whatever they were doing and made my way along the Danube Central Europe. Ended in this coffee shop in Vienna, inhabited by the strangest types. One of them, painter he said he was but they were dreadful really, took kindly to . I tried encourage him by shredding his papers and shitting in his shoes but he just got angrier and angrier. One day I brought him back a half dead mouse as a treat and he just flipped, started going on about “untermensch” and “filthy mausen” infesting the land. Quite put the willies , so I fucked off again. Luckily Avi Lieberwitz came by just at that moment check how Ad was doing. I heard them playing about the way down the road.

I don’t remember much of the next few years- got in with a bad crowd. I started hanging out on this airforce base and some of the yanks there sort of adopted me as a mascot. It was alright I suppose. One night I was out for a stroll when I came upon this great big wall, all grey and new. I hopped up on it have a look and you wouldn’t believe what I saw the other side. This whole family was there, hiding in the shadows. The man had a ladder and he placed it against the wall and held it steady while his wife climbed . Now I now about ladders - you’re supposed weave in and out of the bottom rungs, making a yowling noise while it shakes and quivers. I’ve just started my routine when the man goes to kick - I mean the nerve of him! So I hissed and spit and clawed his shins until he let go of the ladder and it fell with a crash. Then there were these bright lights and shouting voices so I ran away before the banging started.”

The man is sitting there gobsmacked at this point.


“ right.” The man gestures for the barman who pours another pint for the cat.

“Go , what happened next?”
“Really old boy? Ok. So there was this greasy fellow the airforce base, Elvis something or other. He took me in and when he eventually finished his service he took me back to Tennessee. Great place. Good music, good food, more ladies than you can shake your tail at. Anyway I developed this irritation in my anal glands which left me walking rather oddly. I’d sort of strut, shifting my weight about so as not to leak anywhere. He thought this was great fun, we spent ages together, him with his guitar, me prowling, stiff legged across the floor in time to the beat.”

The cat stopped again.

“I’ve got to go for a slash. Watch my stuff, yeah?”

“Sure, of course!” After the cat has left he calls the barman over again. “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What a life story! And all from a real TALKING cat!”

“Mm. yeah, whatever.” The barman mutters gloomily.

“What are you talking about! This is incredible! Why does no one else know about this?” The man stops and pauses briefly, thinking hard.
“And why are you selling him so cheaply?”

The barman gives a weary sigh and plonks the glass he is polishing down on the bar. He looks over at the man.

“You wanna know why I want rid of him?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Because it’s all bullshit, he never did any of that stuff and the little prick never buys his round.”


Why is Djokovic's house so filthy?
No vac

The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)
A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, and getting more frustrated by the hour. On the last night in port, the Captain of the ship told the Marine he could go into town on leave, but to be back in 3 hours so the ship could leave.

The young Marine took off at a sprint to the closest brothel to the pier. Once inside he asked the Madam for a girl for an hour. "No girl for you," she replied. "Too many Marines, girls too sore."

So he took off for the next closest brothel, only to be told the same thing from the Madam. As he ran brothel to brothel, he kept getting shut down, and the further from the port he went, the brothels kept getting worse and worse. Finally, he approached the last brothel he could find. It was a real dive.

Once inside, the Madam shut him down. "Please lady, I'll be quick. I'll even take a tumble with you, or anyone. Help me out here! I'm desperate!"

The Madam looks him and down, relents, and takes his cash. She tells him visit Suzy in room 4 at the end of the hall. He finds the room and enters find Suzy laying a filthy mattress in the dark. He disrobes and starts go town her.

After a few moments of thrusting he asks her, " Do you have any lube? You are very dry." Suzy grabs a bottle from the floor, and gives it a squirt. Thinking this would work, the Marine dives back in. After another moment of effort, the Marine asks her again "can't you do something about the dryness? You feel very rough..."

Suzy gets , steps into the bathroom, and comes out a minute later. The Marine energetically continues until he is spent. "That was the best sex of my life!" Said the Marine. "Whatever you did in the bathroom really did the trick!"

"," said Suzy, "I just picked off the scabs and let the pus flow"

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.
Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint and the crew of the Obsidian Pearl successfully kill every last member of the Filthy Five Hundred. However, only Captain Flint survives... His entire crew, wiped out from Canon fire and brutal melee battle. His ship... A sunken wreck.

With his last few coins, The Captain charters a local fishing boat take him (and 500 heads) back the Bahamas and collect his reward.

During the voyage back, they run into a storm of the likes never been seen before by the Captain.

Deep in the torrential seas, a bolt of lightning explodes into the hull. Quickly the Captain gathers his haul of heads into a large fishing net and ties the end. The captain holds onto them for dear life as another lightning bolt strikes the boat.

The captain wakes , floating top of his giant haul of heads, bobbing and down the now calm ocean.

Having lost everything he owns, The Captain knows that if he doesn't bring these heads back he might as well die out here. He starts paddle, using the massive head sack as a float.

Kicking his legs, he goes west, heading away from the sunrise.

Four days he paddles, pushing the giant haul towards the coast line. Just as he feels about ready to drop dead, he floats into the harbour of his home town.

Dripping wet and plagued with fatigue, The Captain drags the 500 heads straight to the Governor, eager to collect the bounty.

The Governor is very pleased! He immediately hands over One Pirate Captain Flint.

Confused, the Captain says, "Aye... and the $1000?"

The Governor looks at him confused, then says, "one Buccaneer."

A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19
The manager calls a meeting of his employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says the Scottsman, "Make new -go flyers! our new dishes need be there!"

The manager then says the Japanese man, "You're in charge of supplies!"

He leaves in a panic check his family and comes back the restaurant. When he goes into the kitchen, he sees that everything is absolutely filthy and *nothing* has been cleaned. He asks the Italian, "What happened? Why didn't you clean the kitchen?!"

He replies "I no ave mop! I no ave rags! I no ave soap! You saida to the Japanese guy dat e wasa ina charge of sooplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda 'im nowhere."

Frustrated, the manager leaves to check the new -go menus, and he sees the Scotsman just sitting there, reading the old menus. "...and you! I thought I told you to create to-go menus!"

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, but ah couldnae git masel' ony paper o' pens! Ye left tha' wee Jap mannie in charge o' supplies, but ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The manager blows his top and storms off into the back of the restaurant to find the Japanese man. He looks in the alleyway, in the bathroom, and as he is walking towards the closet, the door suddenly bursts open! Out jumps the Japanese man and he yells...


Two nuns are sitting on a park bench
Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
‘That’s a filthy habit’

Sister Carol replies: ‘blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things’.

The Difference Between Poetry and Prose
An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the lamb went with her’.”

“Can anybody else provide me an example of an example of either poetry or prose?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and began, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose into her skirt and sniffed her filthy...” He paused. “Would you prefer poetry or prose?”

“PROSE, Most definitely!” Exclaimed the teacher.



How can you be filthy rich and piss-poor at same time?


When I was , I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off a market and comes back with this filthy ass .

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside , liked horses and riding them.

Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking then we will beat the living shit out of you".

They meant it, they'd done it before.

Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found.

Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me.

Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the .

Get bored and climb inside the tire.

Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat).

Can't stop.

Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me.

They see me rollin'

They hatin'


Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.

Dirty Limerick Competition
Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the name & of the address of the winner. Miss Mary Smith of Rose Cottage

He immediately went round and was astonished when a little grey haired old lady answered. He explained who he was and asked Mary to speak her Limerick. She said ", I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud."

"Well I'm a filthy Limerick expert, so will you just dah de dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?" He said

The old lady thought it over and eventually said "I can't see that it would hurt me do that, so I will dah de dah it for you. Are you ready?"

"Yes of course I'm ready" he said still not believing that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by a little old lady.

"Right then, here goes" she said.........

"Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy, Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy, Diddy dah dah diddy dah, Diddy dah dah diddy dah, Dah diddy dah you fu#k1n9 c\*#t."


luuuvestolick 58M

10/11/2020 4:10 am

Nothing beats a good laugh

author51 58F
107784 posts
10/11/2020 4:38 am

Oh my God.....You had me spitting my coffee out onto my keyboard Hun..Just to let you know though, I normally swallow.....lol. Thank you for the much needed laughter.Muah!!!! xoxo

You can never have enough JOY in your life..


luuuvestolick 58M

10/11/2020 6:59 am

You are welcome darling

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