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Breaking our Vows?  

metal3702 65M/64F
6 posts
1/19/2021 1:25 pm
Breaking our Vows?

I have had discussion with our vanilla friends who knew what we do as a couple. Some have not had any issues with it. It sounded like a neat idea but they just did not think they could handle it. Others would roll their eyes and without voicing their opinions you could read judgment in their expressions. Those I found quickly were useless carry conversation any longer without one of us getting confrontational and that would do no good. Those that did not think they could take on the Lifestyle but did not condemn our decisions helped work through some thoughts.

One of issues we would deal with was that of human monogamy. Are we monogamous? My first statement would always be academics are split this subject. History says we are not. But, in most cases was male that searched out multiple partners while female cared for offspring of her union. Others, and many of those more Biblically oriented would lean on Biblical teaching while ignoring that in the majority of Biblical history the “Fathers of the Faith” were not<b> monogamous. </font></b>Our own history of cultures has many examples of non-monogamous lifestyles are clearly evident. As a Marriage and Family therapist the two most common issues are money and sex. When I was in school, I would always hear that couples who have faced adultery from one partner or the other was that it was not about the sex. Well, let say that after hours of discussion I would say that was normally always about sex.

We as Americans have a much stricter expectation about sexual monogamy. This I believe largely comes from a Victorian attitude which was transplanted to New World through Puritan thought which taught that sexual intercourse was purely for reproduction purposes. This thought has culturally prevailed until recently in our national history. We had read “ Scarlet A” in High School. However possible be emotionally<b> monogamous </font></b>and not strictly stay sexually attached one person?

There can also be a separation in the idea of fidelity. Who made the decision that sexual fidelity was the primary proof of ones love for another? I have known couples where one or the other partner was never at home. It may have been work or hobbies but there was no emotional support expressed their partner but there was never extramarital sex involved. I do believe that often this was simply divorced in the house. Other couples who talked about participating in one of the multiple forms of the Lifestyle who enjoyed a very strong emotional bond with each other. The important factor of this last example is that conversation, acceptance and mutual agreement were present.

But wouldn’t I be breaking my vows if I had sex of some sort with another person other than my legal partner? Let’s look at the traditional vows:

"I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith."

Where does it say that with your partners permission you cannot enjoy having some form of sexual enjoyment with another person. But wouldn’t that be adultery? The difference in adultery and some form of open marriage is secrecy and deception. Adultery often leads to lying to your partner where people in the legitimate Lifestyle are honest as possible with their partners. It is talked about and agreed. If you are a swapping couple, will it be full, soft, or different rooms? Will you have sex when other involved or as some enjoy having a time alone. important thing in that conversation and agreement have taken place.

I believe that for us Lifestyle has increased our love and affection for each other and in many ways made our own sexual relations with each other better because it has brought us together to have conversation without pretense. We have not always agreed on the “rules” but we have come to compromise and in any relationship communication and compromise are key to have a healthy and dynamic union.


oceanracer 66M  
3 posts
1/27/2021 2:53 pm

Very well put,,, and written with excellent for thought. Makes several very good points, all of which come down the the person/couples belief's, and the ability to be honest and trust each other. From that, love can become much strong, not weaker. Strengthening the relationship together, and individually too a level most might never know.
Well, thats my thoughts LOL!!


discreetdesir55 63M/61F
43 posts
2/13/2021 7:09 am

very well written. wouldnt be great if more couples were of the the same
mindset . I agree with you.


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