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B's Guide to Phallic Photography  

mroffkilter 32M
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8/26/2020 3:03 pm
B's Guide to Phallic Photography

After seeing a lot of ugly profile photos featuring dicks, I decided to make this guide. This mainly lets me satisfy my own exhibitionist kink while not being gross. This post features examples of both high-quality and terrible phallic photography: all photos are of myself.

The progenitor of this project was a brief spike in my self-esteem. I saw myself after a shower and thought,

“Not too shabby, old man.”

But my inner gremlin wanted my outer goblin to look better. I wanted my post to be like the ones all over this site, the ones that fill me with a juvenile feeling of penis envy. You know, those guys with giant dicks and abs of steel, neither of which I have. I don't even possess the right amount of self-delusion to ignore my deficits... but I do have grit, perseverance, and a good camera. Eventually, I got some respectable penile portraits:

Like this one, thirsty bitches

There's a sharp contrast between these two photos and the second one is clearly superior. In this piece, I'll explain how to make dick pics that pop (and along the way, I get to show more pics of my dick, which is really the point).


Lots of guys love their dicks and they want to share them with the world, but when it comes to making rad red rod photos, most guys suck huge Republican assholes.

Take a look at my first attempt: I call it,

“Look, a meat tube!”

All pictures tell a story. This story sucks:

  • “Look at this uncircumcised tumescent tumor of middling size!”

  • “He’s pretty hairy and wears pendants!”

  • “What are those corrugated tubes* in the background?”

  • I knew I was on the wrong track. How do I take a proper snap of my snapper? I declared my mission to create a pud-portrait to be proud of. I took hundreds of photos of my willy and spent days browsing other men's schlong shots. I learned a lot and I'm here to share that information with you, Reddit.

    *My pet hedgehog has sleep apnea and that’s her CPAP machine

    Section 1
    Some of the most common mistakes repeated in the most downvoted dick photos.

    Mistake 1: Ignoring Forced Perspective
    Look at my next naive attempt at phallic photography. Actually, don't. I hate this pic:

    Enjoy my shame

    Granted, it is marginally better than my first. At least there's some action: I'm pulling down my Champion britches, and the sand worm seems to be rising from his slumber. But notice how my hand reduces his apparent size? The lesson here is:

  • Don't let forced perspective ruin your photo!

  • Date people with tiny hands.

  • Mistake 2: Desperation
    ”I’ll measure my dick to prove it's bigger than average!!”

    This might be the worst idea I've ever had, and I once masturbated in a stranger's bathroom with their plunger handle.* Hindsight and sobriety are 20/20: Dicks are gross but this picture is just sad. No one wants a sad dick.

  • Note how my hand divides my dick and body, raising the question: is that a real dick or just a small, er, medium dildo?

  • My hands look like they’re covering something up. No one wants junk with secrets.

  • Don’t hide your problems. Remove them, flaunt them, or else just edit them later (”Post” Edits).

  • If you want to show off your dick’s magnificent size, take a page from the playbook of other men with mammoth members who try and fail to shove their meatwads into toilet paper rolls.

    Otherwise, just work with what you have. The people who love you will love your penis (non-blood relatives, anyway... I hope) no matter what size or shape it is. And if you're an exhibitionist like me and want to join in the fun, take some of the advice in this post to try and make your damn dick look its darnedest.

    *If you're ever wondering where a sixteen year old boy has gone alone for fifteen minutes, just stop and never ask.

    Section 2
    Amateur Photography Advice

    Tip 1: Your Tool
    Your equipment is essential. Keep it clean, keep it tidy, and know how to use it effectively: you can make or break your photo based on the quality of your camera.

    This whole project started when I hopped out of the shower, fresh, clean shaved, and feeling sexy. The lighting was good and I felt a rare moment of self-love, thinking to myself:
    “Looking good for 36, B!”

    Then I remembered that I had a decent camera (Panasonic FZ1000) so I knew I could do better.

    Same dick, different day

    Take a look at the difference in picture quality between the two photos above. The first was taken on a name brand smartphone and the other on a digital camera. The first photo has more warmth because the sun was out that day, but the digital camera is clearly, technically superior.

    If you want to make quality dick photos, invest in a good camera.

    After that, buy some lighting equipment. The above photos illustrate quite well the dramatic impact lighting will have on the quality and mood of your .

    Tip 2. Know Your Audience (a.k.a., maybe they don't want a dick pic)

    If you have a penis and you're trying to make a nice photo album to impress a certain lady, maybe try something else. After all, the majority of dick pic aficionados are men. No offense to the ladies who love them, but you're a small group here. Unless she asks to see your johnson, consider this:

    Send a bulge instead of a cock

    Many women do appreciate a nice bulge (my sources are confidential).

    Tip 3: Look at the Whole Picture

    A. Build your set, or else crop out clutter!

    I had to crop a lot of my photos, making the background boring. Great photos have interesting sets, or at least a clean and tidy room. I had neither.

    Nonetheless, after cropping, this is a pretty good photo of a dick.

    Still a few problems:
  • I’m wearing jewelery to look sexy, but it just makes me look like a man who forgets he’s wearing jewelery before taking dick pics.

  • Unbuckling your pants to let your boner pop out air can be sexy, or it can look like you got caught with a hard one while taking a dump.

  • B. Pose for the camera and/or smile
    If you’re going to show any part of your face, act like you're enjoying yourself. I had to throw away lots of photos because my pose was bad or my face looked blank. No one wants to see a hard on attached to an unenthusiastic man slumped against a wall.

    Bearing that point in mind, we now turn to the most engaging pic from the series.

    An action shot!

  • My face reveals my pleasure: I’d been holding the erection for nearly 30 minutes by this time and the edging was fantastic.

  • Notice how without the shirt you can see my body composition more clearly. If my tan was a little deeper and I lost 10-15 pounds, this could be a much sexy shot.

  • The angle of the camera makes my chest look bigger than it is. Personally, I’m only a little aroused just looking at this picture.*

  • *Do any other scifi geeks look forward to cloning so you can have sex with it? I feel very alone in this. Every dude I talk to about this like my dad, my brother, or my pastor, they tell me it sounds kind of gay, which is homophobic and inaccurate: fucking your clone is just masturbation.

    Section 3
    Tricky Dicks

    Most dudes reading this article are probably looking for this section.

    Now for dick close ups. Personally, I think these are always terrible: they have no personality, no joie de vivre, and most importantly, it’s easy to make your dick look bigger than it is. Spiritually and ethically, the crafty close ups on cocks are no different than putting a ruler on your penis to show how big it is.

    If This is your Profile Photo, Pictures Really Do Say 1,000 Words

    Dick Trick 1: Low angles
    Notice how the dick looks like it’s reaching all the way up my belly? A careful eye can see that it’s not really that long and thick, it’s just camera angles and depth of field.
  • Hold the penis up to make it stand tall, giving the illusion of greater length, without wrapping your fist around it.

  • It is fair to hold your dick and even squeeze the blood into your dick to keep it fully engorged. Do not wrap your fist around your cock, it looks bad.

  • Dick Trick 2: Aesthetics

    Make your pipecleaner appear well-loved: hard, appetizing, and hopefully covered in various bodily fluids. Your pecker should be:

  • Erect

  • Clean (if not shaved at least groomed)

  • Lubed (a gleaming polish will freshen it up and hide blemishes)

  • Having an eye for basic aesthetics is important.

    Aesthetically speaking, this is my favorite photo from the session.*

    My pose is natural and there’s a color balance between my skin and the bluejeans. The imperceptible angling of the penis toward the camera and away from my forearm gives the illusion of added size without it feeling deceptively big.

    Also notice how the lines in the picture point in opposite directions from the direction my penis points: this makes it look bold and daring. The proportions of the photographic elements (foreground, background, and void spaces) correspond to the Fibonacci sequence, putting this on par with some classical paintings.

    *I still don’t like this kind of photo though because you can’t see my face and that feels cheap. If you’re going to send a cock photo to a woman or post it on your FetLife account, viewers should be sure it’s you, assuming they know what your face looks like. I’m not trying to kink shame people who exclusively wear masks like the Phantom of the Opera or the KKK or emotionally-repressed, vindictive men in general. Some people can’t take their masks off.

    Final Thoughts

    I hope this excursion into cock photography has been as illuminating and entertaining for you as it was for me.

    If you have any questions about photography, don’t ask me. I’m just an amateur.


    Did you find this helpful, interesting, or amusing? Give me an upvote and try your own dick photo challenge. Here are some ideas!

  • Get a friend and do that thing where guys post a photo of their dick making something else disappear behind it: make your cock disappear behind his dick, and vice versa. This is a great lesson in depth of field and forced perspective.

  • No Hands push ups. Pull this one off on camera and break the internet!

  • Don't send dick pics unless asked and stop using them as profile photos on FetLife

  • Women

    If you found this amusing and want to post better or more exciting pics on GW, I’m happy to help. I am practically a professional (i.e., amateur) and I have a (cheap) professional camera.

    Here are some straightforward GW challenges/ideas:

  • I’d love to do that “disappearing” dick photo too. Just looking for women to help me.

  • Shakespeare and Rabelais introduced me to the sexual euphemism “The Beast With Two Backs” and I’ve always wanted to do some photo art trying to recreate that image. We’ll paste googly eyes on your ass.

  • Become a member to create a blog