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I Married an Abuser  

myelin36 49F  
5280 posts
2/23/2015 6:36 pm
I Married an Abuser

I read another blogger's experience with being in an abusive relationship. It brought back some very painful memories. Scars of my past which I thought had healed. It lead me to wonder, do these scars ever heal?

It was 1989. I was 19 and on active duty stationed at Ft. Riley, Kansas when I met my 's dad. He was 8 years my senior. He was a sergent. I was a lowly private. We jumped into a torrid love affair. The sex was hot. I say torrid because he was legally married. His wife and four year old were back home in Michigan. He was very charismatic. In fact, he knew all the right things to say. He convinced me his marriage was over. We weren't careful and four months after we met, I discovered I was pregnant.

That's when the relationship took a terrible turn. I had a house off post and he would often drop by unannounced. He had a key, so he would just come in. It was during this time he began to drink heavily. After a night of binge-drinking he showed up at 3am. I was four months pregnant at the time. I awoke to him milling about. I made the mistake of questioning him. That was a bad idea. His temper flared and he threw an unopened can of beer striking me in the abdomen. I was stunned. How can someone who claimed to love me do something so vile and terrible?

I hate to say this but I did not learn my lesson. I tried to leave him but I was young and stupid. I was desperate for my unborn to have a dad. I didn't want to be a single, unwed mother. I chose to put up with it and we got married. It got worse. Much worse.

After our was born in November of 1990, my unit was activated for Desert Shield/Storm. I discovered that we would both be deploying. Four weeks after giving birth, we both were on a plane headed to the Persian Gulf. We were deployed to different locations. It was during that time, my spouse witnessed atrocities of combat. When we returned home six months later, I realized that he was full of anger and hatred. I did not know why.Years later after I became a therapist I realized he had developed PTSD.

He became hypervigilent. Exaggerated startle reflex- check. Sleeping in bed next to him became dangerous. If I touched him by accident, he would grab my throat and choke me. He became extremely controlling and possessive. The final straw came one night when we had gone out to a local bar. He had consumed two pitchers of beer and it was while he was in the restroom that one of the bar staff accused me of drinking. I had not had any alcohol that night but they did not believe me. I was 20, and was escorted out.

A few minutes later he found me sitting in our car in the parking lot. He became enraged and wanted to go in and challenge the bar staff. He was very drunk and it was late. I convinced him to get in the car and let me drive him home. To make a long story short, he got mad that I couldn't drive his stick shift. He was afraid I was going to burn his clutch up. He grabbed the shifter and demanded that I pull over so he could drive.

I pulled over but refused to allow him to drive. He was drunk. He was in hot water for getting a DUI the year before. Hell no I wasn't going to let him drive. We argued. Then, he reached under the passenger seat and pulled out a gun. He pointed it to my head and told me he would shoot me if I didn't comply. I froze like a statue. I literally could not move. I started to cry and pray. He laughed and said, "it isn't even loaded you stupid bitch."

It was then, I realized that I was married to a madman. I mustered up the courage to exit the vehicle. He got in the driver's seat and drove away. I walked four miles home. The next morning I called my platoon sergeant and told him what happened. My ex denied everything. It was my word against his. I called in sick and changed the locks and then I called a lawyer. I filed for divorce and never looked back. I look back on that time in my life and realize how lucky I am to be alive.

If you have read this far and you think you might be in an abusive relationship, chances are good you are probably right. No man is worth risking your life for. Get out. I implore you.

Recognize the warning signs.

Visit my blog:myelin36. Come read my Dirty Little Secrets

burblesback07 39M
532 posts
2/23/2015 6:53 pm

Im so sorry that happened you, cant imagine how the whole thing must have felt !! I think youre very brave x

Dionysus14 58M
1185 posts
2/23/2015 7:07 pm

not much else I can say but, Wow...
I am glad you were strong enough to leave...

ironman2769 54M  
12840 posts
2/24/2015 5:09 pm

You were smart enough to walk away.....not enough women find the strength to do that.....

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azriel1970 49M  
29992 posts
2/25/2015 5:33 am

It is good you survived that horrific relationship. How sad that your story is not uncommon. I have dated may ladies who have experienced that as well as dear friends.

forgotforgetting 53M
7139 posts
2/25/2015 9:08 am

This is a great message. I used to, many years ago, do domestic violence interventions as part of court sponsored diversion program. It was very difficult work. I had an abusive father and after a couple of years I found that I couldn't shake off the day. When my own relationship started suffering from my inability to maintain the necessary professional distance I had to find a new line of work. I am still very supportive of anyone still working with the victims and victimizers only from the sidelines.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde

ProfPlayful 56M
3867 posts
2/27/2015 8:24 pm

Oh, my dear myelin36! What an awful story. There are so many ways it could have had a tragic ending that it terrifies me. Thank goodness you are strong and smart. All of us, not just AdultFriendFinder and not just bloggers but the whole world, are lucky to have you with us.

There isn't much I can do to help you. But in case you care, I have made it my mission to teach all of my nieces and goddaughters how to drive a stickshift.

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