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A smile goes a long way.
Posted:Dec 3, 2019 7:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2019 7:56 am
323 Views

I told this to a few of my friends and the officers cried after hearing the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to I've learned one thing never eat more then you can handle.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain .

Oh, don't like you don't know what talking about.

referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to us the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and sure some of you least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made feel terrible, but then made laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set off again, causing residual gases to escape .

The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next I went to shop Albertson's.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
2 Comments
what if she wants
Posted:Jul 20, 2015 4:47 pm
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2019 11:55 am
4322 Views

What if she wanted to use a vibrator during sex, what’s the hottest way she could suggest it?
Use it on her self and lets you watch
gives it to partner to let him or her use it how ever they want
0 Comments , 38 votes
A smile goes a long way
Posted:Jul 19, 2015 4:25 pm
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2020 12:35 pm
3485 Views

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.

The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Albertson's.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

_________________
5 Comments
Today
Posted:Nov 15, 2014 12:18 pm
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2015 11:58 am
4288 Views

Are you satisfied with your current sex life?
yes
no
1 comment , 27 votes
Just one kiss.
Posted:Sep 13, 2014 3:36 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2014 11:04 am
4493 Views

The first time I laid eyes on Michelle she extended her hand to me to introduce herself as I was just arriving after an 1800 mile bus ride. We ment through a friend on the net,when I saw her I thought she was the sexiest woman I've ever seen. Her had big brown eyes, longer than usual black hair and a smile that made me wish That we were in a hotel room at this very moment. I didn't know how I would keep my composure around such a beautiful woman, but I had to try.It had been a year since we first began talking we enjoyed being around each other so much that we stayed in constant contact,And the funny part is even my friends at home could see the connection between us. I just never thought in all my years that this woman would want anything to do with me, especially as I try to pursue her. But it happened. We would stay up talking for hours about each others pasts and enjoying every moment of it. Our first kiss didn't come until the day i saw her in person for the first time But waiting for that kiss made it unforgettable. It was during one of our intimate talks, suddenly a smirk appeared on her face like something was on her mind.She grazed my lips with her fingertips and then held my face as he leaned in and gave me the most passionate kiss of my whole life. That first kiss marked our forever together.12 years later she would leave me.May she rest in peace I'll never forget her or that kiss.Good night my love......
0 Comments
Ever think about ?
Posted:Sep 10, 2014 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2015 1:59 pm
4770 Views

What would you do after a hookup?
Secretly hope you start dating
Go home take a shower,go to sleep
Feel really remorsefull,but get over it by partying with friends.
1 comment , 8 votes
MORNING PLEASURE
Posted:Aug 23, 2014 8:56 pm
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2015 10:19 pm
4821 Views

I feel her next to me in our sleep. We nuzzle and nestle together, naked
and intertwined after the beauty of our love making. Waking only
momentarily, I see her lying on her back, her breasts rise and fall to
the slow rhythm of her breathing. I cuddle closer to her right side, my
face nuzzling under her right breast, my right hand finding her left
breast. Her delicate right arm falls behind my back, pulling me in
closer. Again, I drift back to sleep, cradled next to my beautiful
lover.

Slowly waking, I feel movement next to me. I haven't moved much since
last drifting away, except my right leg that was over her is now under
her bent knee. I wake a little more, realizing the movement I feel is my
love masturbating. How wonderful!

Not wishing to interrupt her, I give her left breast a slight squeeze.
Her response is a moan of pleasure. I then move slightly to suckle her
right breast, still giving the other a light, steady grip. Another moan,
deeper than the first, her left hand quickening it's pace between her
lovely legs and her other lightly gripping the back of my head tell me
she's enjoying herself. After a few moments of suckling, I crawl up to
her ear, planting light kisses upon her soft skin along the way.

Upon reaching her ear, I lightly suck in the earlobe, causing another
deep moan. I whisper into her ear. I tell her how beautiful and sexy she
is. I tell her how beautiful and sexy her masturbation is. I tell how
wonderful I feel to be able to witness such a beautiful and sexy thing,
all the while lightly massaging her breasts and kissing at her ear and
neck. Her pace quickens and her breathing becomes more laboured and her
moans, much louder now than my whispering, fill the otherwise noiseless
room.
My eyes are wide awake now,nibbling the tips of her firm 34c breast her moans
become louder and louder oh god yes she screams,her hand grips my hair as I
watch her about to explode still nibbling her breast squeezing with out
warning releasing my hair,throws the sheet off the bed the bed then straddles my
penis growing to its full 15 inch length taking it in her hot wet cum filled cunt
still wanting more as i'm reaching to continue squeezing her breast she screams
fuck me fuck me hard.My fingers trace down her back reaching the succulent apple
but of hers gently squeezing with two fingers of my right hand i began tracing her
anus before entering rubbing the bottom of her pussy.Then slowly my finger begins to invade
her honey hole while we're fucking the morning away slowly but deeper and deeper my finger
goes in she tells me don't stop faster and faster deeper the sweat begins to pour off
our bodies shes cum once again,from this point i;m rolling her over still deep inside
continually stroking,her legs rapped around me I CUM.Kissing her sweet lips her shoulders
her firm breast her tummy between her legs,as her heart still races from the passion
of that morning.
1 comment
YOU NEVER LISTEN
Posted:Apr 27, 2009 6:54 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2020 4:24 pm
5310 Views

To be told thisa by a women, makes you think for all the times ive listened to you screaming at me for leaving up the toilet seat.For all the times you say you snore to loud or even for that matter youll tell me to to go take out the garbage when its the last seconds of the superbowl the scores tied and its up to your team to win,guess what I know if i start bitching and moaning ill never hear the end of it so just to make you happy let me be the just do this for you take you out to a nice romantic dinner ill even wear my good shoes so we can go dancing afterward well take a walk on the beach who know what'll happen next.
0 Comments
Spicing up relationships.
Posted:Jun 22, 2008 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Feb 27, 2009 6:41 pm
5435 Views

how would you spice up a boring relationship that is to say would you be willing to make a sex bet with your mate.' For example, she'd bet me that I couldn't make her climax several times in a row, or I'd challenge her to initiate action in a semipublic spot.And if you had any other ideas what would they be
0 Comments
make up sex
Posted:May 22, 2008 9:39 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2014 4:04 pm
5459 Views

Do you have passionate make-up sex after a fight with your partner? ...
yes
no
sometimes
always
0 Comments , 18 votes
no touching
Posted:May 1, 2008 10:39 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2014 4:03 pm
5543 Views

How hot have you ever got through "no touching sex"? It could have been an incredibly sexy conversation (or just a regular one that got you turned on), it could be from cyber sex or phone sex ... anything, as long as you didn't or couldn't touch each other.
1 comment
ladies question
Posted:Apr 24, 2008 6:46 am
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2008 4:04 pm
5451 Views

When you want to wear sexy lingerie for your man how do you go about putting it on the right/sexy way.
1 comment
What do you think of the old never have sex on the frist date rule
Posted:Feb 27, 2008 11:53 am
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2015 7:38 am
5641 Views

In todays society is that concidered old fashioned,or would you ingnore it and make the frist move
0 Comments

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