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You're NOT my Daddy  

rm_Dettalove 39F
14 posts
7/19/2021 9:46 pm
You're NOT my Daddy

I just recently got back into the dating game.
I HATE dating. Dating fucking sucks for so many reasons.

Let’s get honest… it’s already hard navigating the cluster-fuck-traffic jam that is the Los Angeles dating pool. But when you’re kinky… when there’s a part of you at a very cellular level that needs to be fulfilled in a non-vanilla way, then you might as well add a four-car pileup, a Junker on fire with a man playing frogger to that cluster-fuck-traffic jam.
It’s harddddd…. It’s fucking hard… and not in a good way.

Or maybe it’s not and I’m not being clear on what I want.

I’m a submissive who yearns for HER Daddy Dom. I get off on giving over complete control to a man who I know will push me to my absolute limits, but who also cares about nothing more than my care and wellbeing. Someone who I can trust with my boundaries and fantasies alike. It’s more than pain play and domination that I hunger for (although that certainly plays a huge part). It’s a certain connection, a spark, a knowing that I can lay the secrets of my soul in front of this man, and he will take my hand and dance with me among our dark desires.

For me… that kind of all encompassing submission requires a natural and intense chemistry. I’ve never found it by looking for it. In all honesty, I’ve only experienced it three times in my life. As I’m writing this, I’m also realizing that each time it found me through a vanilla dating app. Maybe that’s why I thought by restarting my AdultFriendFinder account I could find my next “Daddy”… MY Daddy. Maybe I thought that a sex positive dating app could give me what I want. However, the reason for this blog, is that I feel I may have been wrong.

I’m often jealous of the subs on here who are free enough to experience their kink through whatever means necessary. I read blogs about risqué nights being chained to beds by strangers and the bruises that a temp Dom left you with after a night of bondage and fun. In my past, I’ve tried the same. It always fell flat. I would leave with a pain and pleasure release, but also feeling empty and unsatisfied. Without that real and undeniable connection, it just wasn’t right. I needed… more.

My first Daddy I met on Blackplanet. I know that probably dates me, but I believe in transparency, and I look hella good for my age! He was sensitive, soft-spoken yet extremely charismatic. We met with the idea of just dating and as things became more serious, we began to open up. I knew from the start that his heart was guarded and that there was good reason for it… but mine was too. It took a year for me to tell him that I loved him because I was scared of the rejection that might follow it.
After that year, we slowly began to open up and talk about our real desires. The ones that you’re scared to admit in your 20’s for fear of being looked at as different and a freak. I told him I wanted to try breath play and submission. He told me he wanted to try swinging and Shibari. We were together for a total of five years and learned a lot about our sexual kinks and boundaries. I came out with a clearer idea of who I was and what I needed as an independent woman in the “real world” and as a submissive woman in the bedroom. He came out a certified Shibari instructor who now gives workshops all over the world. We came out knowing that we required different things and that was okay.

My second Daddy came along 8 years later, and I met him on OK Cupid. He was tall, muscular, charismatic, bearded and good looking. Everything at the time that I thought I wanted in a man. He was a tantra student thinking of becoming a teacher and was more in touch with his sexuality than any person I had ever met. I think that’s what drew me to him. I found out after about a month of dating that he was also married. Not a fact that he offered up, but one that I learned through a mutual friend in the lifestyle. After a serious talk, he told me he was in an open marriage which I quickly verified with his wife.
Though number 2 had never participated in the BDSM lifestyle he was open to learning more about all things sexual and had a natural kindness and care to him that I was drawn to. I took him to his first flogging party… he made me squirt for the first time. Our intense learning period together only lasted a couple of months but was imperative in my kink journey. I learned how to let go and just please and be pleased, found a confidence in my sexuality that I decided to never hide again, and I learned that I most definitely didn’t want to be someone’s number two, being a stepdaughter wasn’t for me. I needed something more. He learned that BDSM wasn’t necessarily about torturing others but about an equal energy exchange, an incomparable understanding between two adults where your carnal natures can be explored safely. He now teaches tantra and is still married; I have a beautiful friendship to this day with his wife.

My last Daddy… MY Daddy… came along four years later. Although I had dated others (indluding #2) I had been single for 7 years. I met him on Bumble. I knew he was different long before we ever met in person. There was this… spark. A connection I had never felt before. He was unique, adventurous, handsome, daring and unconventional. The first time we met it was because he decided to get in his car and make the hour and a half drive without telling me until he was halfway there. He was transparent and he was bold. I knew I loved him the moment I laid eyes on him.
He came to me on a Thursday for a date and didn’t leave back home until the following Monday. The first night he stayed at a local hotel and I at home, by the second night all it took was one carefully landed comment and he was holding me down, spitting into my mouth in my favorite hotel. Within two weeks we were an item, and I gave myself to him completely. He made me feel beautiful. Never in my life had I felt so complete, understood and seen.
We lasted a year and just recently ended our relationship. Through him I learned more about myself than through any other relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. It was the most meaningful and important relationship of my life. I learned and yearned for true submission to him and only him, I learned real soul-level understanding… and I learned how to fucking dare greatly, even though you know you may fall. I learned how to love.
My only hope is that he learned something equally as impactful from me as well.

So… fuck! Where exactly does that leave a girl like me?
I’m in need of touch, exquisite pain and understanding; yet left hollow in physical sensation without the connection. I can get fucked… that’s not a problem. But I don’t want to just be fucked… I want to be owned… in every sense of the word. I want to give, take and grow. I want a real relationship and I want both mine and my partners every desire to be fulfilled.

Fucking dating!
I’m tired of the “I could be your Daddy” comments. I don’t want them. For me, it rings so untrue, because it takes so much more than a hard dick and some leather restraints to be my Daddy. Maybe that would have worked for me in my youth, but at this point in my life I refuse to settle for the 80%. I want it all. Even though I know that’s something that may take a lifetime of work; I’m here for it. I don’t want the replacement. I don’t want the nice guy who “I deserve” and fulfills every need except for my sexual ones. I don’t want the kinky guy who will fuck me upside down and inside out but doesn’t set my soul on fire. And that’s no judgement on the people who find fulfillment in those ways; it’s just not for me… I need more.

So maybe I was too quick to restart my AdultFriendFinder page in the attempt to find my next “Daddy”. Maybe AdultFriendFinder’s role in my life right now is not for hooking up, but for a place to speak my mind amongst like minded individuals. Maybe after this post I’ll change my main profile and what I’m looking for. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone will read this or it’s the ramblings of my incredibly ADHD mind. But I know what I want and I don’t know if it’s something I can find in a “Search Members” section. It’s something that will just cum to me… like it always has… hopefully.

But maybe I’m wrong… what do you think?


profcoquin27bis 57M
4117 posts
7/20/2021 6:25 am

thanks for sharing, very interesting, hi from France


forgotforgetting 55M
7866 posts
7/20/2021 8:53 am

Thank you for your post. Sadly, most of the concepts you express are misunderstood and misused by the general public. Nevertheless, you captured the difficulty of any relationship: the need for that deeper human connection. We are all looking for it. I wasn't able to find it in Los Angeles but I came close a few times. But I digress. I hope you find who you are looking for; so, I wish you good hunting. 😊

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde


Luv2eatpussy1514 33M
18 posts
7/20/2021 9:04 am

Very good read


mufdiver69er2 61M  
1753 posts
7/20/2021 11:55 am

people have souls in LA? who wudda thunk it !

woop woop


New2Midlo 51M  
912 posts
7/20/2021 12:43 pm

To be fair, you've been fairly fortunate to have found the Daddy's you've already been involved with. You've had your share, so no more for you lol

For the reasons you mentioned, women are at a disadvantage when looking for a D/s relationship online. Every guy thinks he's a Dom, because he stayed a Holiday Inn Express last night, but we both know those who truly understand the dynamic don't grow on trees. On the flip side, I know if I find a woman who's intelligent, successful, and self assured, she'll be a perfect sub, if she isn't already.

That being said, after giving it some thought, perhaps your best bet isn't to pick a Daddy, but to grow one. Similar to how things progressed with your second Daddy. You already are in touch with the qualities and traits a proper Dom possesses. Look for someone with those traits (hard enough!) and make him the Daddy you want him to be. And don't do it here. I'm a perfect example in that I didn't even think of calling myself a Dominant until I was close to fifty. It was through a series of experiences and partners that I grew into the role.

Best of luck to you!


GhostofH 62M
22084 posts
7/20/2021 4:05 pm

I think I would venture over to AdultFriendFinder's sister site ALT.com if I were seeking what you are. Also there are better sites for this too. FL comes to mind.....


rm_Dettalove replies on 7/21/2021 9:37 am:
I appreciate the suggestion...
I'm on both ALT.com and Fetlife... and they're even worse than AdultFriendFinder.
Thank you for the suggestion though.

GhostofH 62M
22084 posts
7/24/2021 10:35 am

I'm surprised by your experience. Here locally for me, (and many others) Alt is all but dead. None of the locals use it and I only go one to read a few of the blogs I follow. Fet is much more popular, especially for the kinksters.
Good luck in your search and I hope you find all that you seek.


CrazyDaisyWest 52M/46F  
1 post
7/27/2021 6:06 pm

You are hot, i know what you are talking about, I am switch personality but i love everything being owned encompasses. You have to be real and know what you want. Just thought i would drop you a note and say if i were a mistress I would have fun inflicting loving pain and the kind of pleasure you could never imagine. I think i have done out of my realm here lol. You are just very hot.


spunkycumfun 61M/66F
38490 posts
8/18/2021 2:53 pm

There's no point taking advice from me!
Good post,


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