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What is Lonely?
Posted:Jul 8, 2008 8:11 am
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2020 9:16 pm

I've been thinking...what is lonely?

So...I'm sitting in a chair watching someone..wondering...are they bored....are they lonely? There's a sadness and a heaviness in the air. This friggin empathetic sense sucks ass...and I'm not always the best at interpreting the vibes...but it doesn't mean that I feel them any less. Close but distant..and I'm not sure I want to kn ow or find out.

Do we really know what loneliness it is or do we often confuse it with other feelings?

Sometimes I crave solitude...space...time by myself without interruption...without obligation...without demands...without a ticking clock. This is not to say that I attribute these things to a specific person, event or happening...it's just the generalities of life....but it is absolutely NOT checking out.

At other times...I crave some human interaction...I'm alone and I just want to hear a voice...or hear nothing.. have someone in the room...spend time...talk about nothing... or have deep intense conversations.

I stop and think does this come from loneliness, or is it simply a basic human need or boredom that we misinterpret as loneliness and tend to treat as such? I guess to know...you have to have truly been lonely.

I have been lonely on my own.....and lonely within a relationship. I think that lonely within, what is supposed to be, a relationship is the worst....but I digress. I would rather be alone & lonely outside of a relationship than be alone and lonely within one. BUT..I think people often misinterpret boredom as loneliness.

Boredom is the mind's need for stimulation...loneliness is a need for stimulation of the heart, soul and spirit. Pretty simple..at least I think so...but easy to confuse.
Inner Battle
Posted:Jul 3, 2008 8:37 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2010 6:06 am


I'm older...supposedly wiser...I've lived through things that would bring most people to the brink of giving up...for a long time I didn't...I fought back. I had a determination and drive that was infallible. I find myself slipping.

I learned early the traits of my demeanor and personality...especially being a Scorpio...I saw the things I didn't want to be...learned to recognize them, and for the most part...control or overcome them.

I have had a horrible anger problem all of my life...I acknowledge that. I CAN be vindictive...I acknowledge that. I CAN be horribly jealous...noted. I can be VERY hateful. I AM ...at times VERY insecure. I CAN be controlling and mean spirited...I've learned A LOT about that.

Conversely...(using you in general terms) I can be the best friend you've ever had. I will always be there for you ...even after months or years without contact. You CAN break my heart and treat me like garbage...and still find a place there. I will always find, or give up time for you. I will always look for, and try to see the best in you..even when the best isn't very apparent. I WILL help you, stay up all night for you just be available. I do have strength...sometimes difficult to muster. I have SO much to give. I choose my words with a great deal of thought and effort, because words are important and easily misinterpreted.

Mostly out of fear...I have worked very hard to recognize and overcome, the best that I can...the negative traits of my personality. Success is not necessarily the abolition of these traits, but the recognition, realization and effort. I'm not perfect...I fight it every day.

So, where am I going here? I lost myself...let myself get lost. I gave up...gave in...settled...regressed, became something and someone that I did not want to be.

Recent events have led me to find myself feeling negative things that I don't want to feel. Fighting the urge to give up...angry. Saying one thing, but really feeling another. Wishing I could just snap my fingers and be back to a really good place.

There are no finger snapping miracles, no easy fixes. As much as some things in life are easy, effortless, and beyond wonderful (and I am very thankful for that), the battle is exhausting and I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth the effort.

I am not Dorothy...I can not click my heels together and recite "there's not place like home" repeatedly and have things miraculously change. I have to make the effort....but in your mind you'd sure like to hear.."Dorothy...wake up."
Posted:Mar 25, 2008 12:44 pm
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2010 4:16 pm

O.K. here is something I've learned along the way....expectations are a bad thing...how can you expect things from people you don't really know, or are getting to know? How can you enter into relationships with expectations...I came to the realization, some time ago, that having expectations, placing them on another person, or even a situation is ridiculously limiting. WHY SET LIMITS!

Isn't it more about intentions?

Here's a perfect example: I get asked in chat or even in person...what are you looking for? If I knew..would I be here? I'm just looking? The thing is...when you start spewing out the answers to that kind of question you are setting EXPECTATIONS....LIMITS...and in doing so you just might miss someone or something amazing because of the tunnel vision created by your expectations.

I would rather be open to anything that comes my way and approach it openly with the best of intentions rather than setting the expectation of we'll meet, we'll go out to dinner, we will, we will, we will, we might....Why does there have to be a plan?

I intend to be open, honest, forthright and undemanding. I intend to just see what happens, and let it. I intend to encourage people not to limit themselves, and I won't limit myself. I intend to live an amazing life...screw the expectations!
1 comment
I KNOW it is...(Is This RIght) Toby Lightman
Posted:Mar 10, 2008 5:28 pm
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2008 8:41 pm

Love is like taking the hand from a man you just met on the street
You don't know what he's about, and he walks to his own beat
And he, takes you on a journey that you can't really define
But you know it might be worth it, you know it's not a waste of your time

Love is like diving into an ocean that is certainly too deep
To feel, the sand in your toes, and the bottoms of your feet
But for, some strange reason you stay cold and wet
'Cause you know deep down that you haven't seen, the best of it yet
And all the while you wonder...

Is this right? How do we know
If we never been here before?
Is this right, how do we know
Should we take a chance tonight, take the chance tonight
Should I be sitting by your side, for the rest of your life
Is this right, how do we know?
How do we know?

Love is like jumping from the top of the highest mountain
Just to feel, the freedom of no boundaries and the wind in your hair
And you fly on and on, you fly up to the moon
'Cause this freedom will bring you ecstasy, and you know you're gonna feel it soon
And all the while you wonder...


All I had to do is paint a picture of you in my mind
And I held on tight
Just one look at you I know everything's gonna be all right
And so I'm ready this time.
Answer - What Happened to THE GUY
Posted:Feb 1, 2008 8:22 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2010 6:41 am

I've been getting e-mails...

People who read this blog have been asking me ...what happened to the HOT ...descriptive stuff you used to write about THE GUY...

Well...you can't write about experiences you aren't having folks....not for the lack or wanting to on either of our parts...things just keep happening....like work & and business trips...SO...I'm sure that when/if(lol)we come back together...there WILL be something to write about.

BUT...I should tell you about #2...who rocks my world, makes me think and has just made me remember what I used to be like as a person.

There is something in his eyes that is just very knowing...sometimes I just can't look at them...other times I just can't stop looking.

He's a talker..and man do I like that...AND...have you ever tried to keep your eyes open and look into the other person's eyes when you cum...its difficult...but when you do it...OMG>>>you see and feel so much...

I once whispered an entire song in his ear...because I told him I would...when he tried to get away ..I pinned him down & made him listen to the whole thing...the reaction to that simple thing was amazing and insane....and I kind of didn't understand it...until......he did it back to me...

This is about WANTING...to please someone...and WANTING to be pleased......I'm SO very lucky...
Because.....there are two men in my life...that I can share that with right now and not many people are that fortunate....I can enable them to be them and they ...let me be me....Therefore,
I don't care how long it takes to come together, how often, how brief or how long....there's something to be said for men of quality.

These are quality persons, personalities and lovers...and I'll take it.
1 comment
More Dave...What can I say!...its that kind of mood man
Posted:Jan 22, 2008 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2008 1:13 pm

The Space Between
ยป Dave Matthews Band

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

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