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5 Elements of a Successful Zoom Meeting  

secret_lade 46F
7865 posts
10/22/2020 10:13 pm
5 Elements of a Successful Zoom Meeting


1. There should always be, at minimum, four subject matter experts present the information. One expert that has literally no idea what he is presenting and three others who are completely incapable sharing their screen. This will add, at minimum, 15 minutes the length of the presentation as they chat back and forth asking whether or not we can 'see their screen'.

2. Every successful Zoom Meeting should be attended by at least 60 individuals all in various states of work. At minimum, ten of them should neglect put their computer on mute so the rest of the audience can hear them crunching on snack foods, yelling at pets and , and burping and groaning in the background.

3. At least two<b> members </font></b>of the audience should be brown nosing, attention , over achievers who want add or clarify every fucking statement made. Their web cams will be on and everyone attending the meeting will be forced watch them as they lean into their laptops 'clarifying' the subject matter expert with information the rest of us already know. They haven't made their point until the rest of us can see up their nostrils.

4. The Subject Matter Expert with the most knowledge and best understanding of the material being presented will have the most trouble with their computer. Audio will disappear, their screen will freeze, and they will lose their connection at least twice during their presentation. This presents an opening for the least knowledgeable expert to ask if anyone has any questions he can answer, then answer them all by saying "Let's put that in the parking lot and ask [missing expert] when they're back online."

5. The Zoom Call should end as haphazardly as it started. The 60<b> members </font></b>of the audience should all simultaneously unmute their computers and ask questions at the same time. Who gives a shit about a chat function?!? The Presenters will have run out of time as the call went long and they have another one to attend for a different region of the company. The annoying woman who had been loudly crunching on chips through the whole call will have reached the end of the bag and will be pouring the crumbs into her mouth on webcam for all to see.

And, there you have it folks! The five elements of a successful Zoom Meeting.

Personally, I prefer to be the silent observer on these things.... Camera off, multi tasking, only using the chat function if and when I have questions.

Happy Zooming!

secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/25/2020 1:26 am

    Quoting easy_going2014:
    well, at least I'm not alone

    now, add another these factors

    consider having staff in India on the line

    consider some calls being taken at 8:00 pm at night

    to avoid these issues when I am the presenter:

    all lines are muted, except those speaking

    chat is encouraged for questions, rather than voice

    presentation is sent out in advance

    agenda with timings is furnished on calendar invite

    at least, it gives one a chance

    pièce de ré·sis·tance - "Record the meeting" (this usually takes care of unprepared individuals)

    good luck!!!

    The Commodores - "Zoom"

    I may be just a foolish dreamer
    But I don't care
    Cause I know my happiness
    Is waiting out there, somewhere

    I'm searching for that silver lining
    Horizons that I've never seen
    Whoa, I'd like to take just this moment
    And dream my dream, whoa dream my dream

    Whoa, zoom, I'd like to fly far away from here
    Where my mind, oh Lord, is fresh and clear
    And I'll find the love that I long to see
    Where everybody can be what they wanna be

    Whoa, I'd like to greet the sun each morning
    And walk amongst the stars at night
    I'd like to know the taste of honey
    In my life, in my life
I'll pass on the India peeps. We outsource a bunch of our IT stuff, and, that's a nightmare. Takes twice as long to get something fixed because of the language barrier. 'Bobby' never quite knows what you're experiencing so he has to escalate to tier two every time.


easy_going2014 53M
14313 posts
10/24/2020 9:40 pm

well, at least I'm not alone

now, add another these factors

consider having staff in India on the line

consider some calls being taken at 8:00 pm at night

to avoid these issues when I am the presenter:

all lines are muted, except those speaking

chat is encouraged for questions, rather than voice

presentation is sent out in advance

agenda with timings is furnished on calendar invite

at least, it gives one a chance

pièce de ré·sis·tance - "Record the meeting" (this usually takes care of unprepared individuals)

good luck!!!

The Commodores - "Zoom"

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
Cause I know my happiness
Is waiting out there, somewhere

I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Whoa, I'd like to take just this moment
And dream my dream, whoa dream my dream

Whoa, zoom, I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind, oh Lord, is fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be

Whoa, I'd like to greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey
In my life, in my life

To leave private messages, please use my confidential mailbox at my blog:

Good luck!!!


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/24/2020 3:21 am

    Quoting srkaficionada:
    LOL. 😂😂😂. Wonder if that woman is much better than my ass snoring through a week long virtual certification class. We were asked to have webcams on and my picture was my very white business cards on my white desk with the brightness as high as possible. If I had to suffer...

    And it is so so annoying when some idiots want to show off their kids or some such crap over zoom. Like ma’am, we are trying to get these people to hurry the fuck up;NOBODY wants you to waste 5 minutes showing us you rocked at the reproduction game. 🙄

    I miss when my boss didn’t know how to use zoom and just called to give a brief summary of what they wanted and then sent an email summary.
The corporate staffers who are working from home tend to be on a majority of these meetings, I think because they don't have any actual work to do. So, I get meetings where one of them is monitoring chat, another is doing the presentation, and a third is playing with their giant dog on the camera so everyone can comment on it. I actually hate that stupid dog, it's always barking and licking the laptop. For the ones who are working from home, the zoom meetings have become their social outlet, I think.


srkaficionada 37F  
1029 posts
10/23/2020 10:19 pm

LOL. 😂😂😂. Wonder if that woman is much better than my ass snoring through a week long virtual certification class. We were asked to have webcams on and my picture was my very white business cards on my white desk with the brightness as high as possible. If I had to suffer...

And it is so so annoying when some idiots want to show off their kids or some such crap over zoom. Like ma’am, we are trying to get these people to hurry the fuck up;NOBODY wants you to waste 5 minutes showing us you rocked at the reproduction game. 🙄

I miss when my boss didn’t know how to use zoom and just called to give a brief summary of what they wanted and then sent an email summary.


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 8:41 pm

    Quoting lonlyforlove2:
    Been there , done that, almost 100% spot on!! almost as bad as having a meeting to discuss whether we need to have this meeting, go figure.. Actually been in on one of those!!!
My favorite are the meetings attended to talk about upcoming meetings.... Or the meetings designed to talk about the clearly defined, black and white process changes. Stuff that can be taken care of in an email!


lonlyforlove2 77M
17251 posts
10/23/2020 6:58 pm

Been there , done that, almost 100% spot on!! almost as bad as having a meeting to discuss whether we need to have this meeting, go figure.. Actually been in on one of those!!!

Be sure to look in at lonlyforlove2 . It may make you smile
Be sure to support....Fixing The Blog Glitches How Much Interest Is There..


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 2:56 pm

    Quoting lunchandconvo:
    i am camera off and multi-tasking....

    one of the bloggers here takes great selfies of us when we dine out. so i have this awesome cropped headshot of our meal out last year. (she lives in another part of the county.)

    but i like to look at everyone's cams. like today i noticed one of the guys was zooming from his back porch. what was odd was my manager wasn't in on the zoom. i think he is in a tree hunting. and he's usually the first at a meeting and starts it on time. so those of us who know that logged in early and were like.. um... where is management? finally someone in management showed up and said we really didn't have anything to talk about. these weekly meeting usually take 1H. i now regret i didn't go grocery shopping instead of missing this meeting...
I've learned a lot from my peers by doing the zoom meetings.... LOL I know who keeps a messy office, I know who junks out on snack food during the meetings, I know who works from home all the time, and I know who likes to pretend they work out by doing their zoom meeting in front of work out equipment.


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 2:46 pm

    Quoting bustinout20202:
    I retired before zoom became a thing. Glad I did because I always had my hand do the jeack-off motion when the brown-nosers were speaking on the corporate conference calls. Couldn't help it, it was an auto-response. This, after the 10 minutes of mute/unmute tones beeping in my ear as new folks joined the call.
I'm so glad we're transitioning away from the conference calls... Ugh!! People forgetting to take themselves off mute, people forgetting to put themselves on mute, and calling roll with 30 people on the line....


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 2:40 pm

    Quoting Prince_0x0x0:
    my zoom meeting boring nothing happen plus everyone on mute.
Sound like everyone who participated knew what they were doing! LOL


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 2:38 pm

    Quoting Great50smale50:
    You forgot to mention never participate in two zoom meetings when your playing with yourself on one and forget where you are. Sorry CNN just had to add that one at least you had some news that day.
Since I'm still working from my office... I don't think the playing with myself thing will become an issue. I'll keep that in the back of my mind though...


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 2:33 pm

I really should do that.... I'd make a fortune.


lunchandconvo 50F
1933 posts
10/23/2020 11:26 am

i am camera off and multi-tasking....

one of the bloggers here takes great selfies of us when we dine out. so i have this awesome cropped headshot of our meal out last year. (she lives in another part of the county.)

but i like to look at everyone's cams. like today i noticed one of the guys was zooming from his back porch. what was odd was my manager wasn't in on the zoom. i think he is in a tree hunting. and he's usually the first at a meeting and starts it on time. so those of us who know that logged in early and were like.. um... where is management? finally someone in management showed up and said we really didn't have anything to talk about. these weekly meeting usually take 1H. i now regret i didn't go grocery shopping instead of missing this meeting...


bustinout20202 63F  
65 posts
10/23/2020 7:34 am

I retired before zoom became a thing. Glad I did because I always had my hand do the jeack-off motion when the brown-nosers were speaking on the corporate conference calls. Couldn't help it, it was an auto-response. This, after the 10 minutes of mute/unmute tones beeping in my ear as new folks joined the call.


Prince_0x0x0 53M  
21 posts
10/23/2020 5:21 am

my zoom meeting boring nothing happen plus everyone on mute.


Great50smale50 70M  
32 posts
10/23/2020 4:22 am

You forgot to mention never participate in two zoom meetings when your playing with yourself on one and forget where you are. Sorry CNN just had to add that one at least you had some news that day.


Silverfoxxxx69 58M
7 posts
10/23/2020 4:02 am

Spot on - write an idiots guide to zoom


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 3:41 am

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    Sounds about right.
    Yep... I like 'look up the nostril guy/girl'.
    But I have to say that I prefer these meetings to the in person kind.
    I could never get away with showing up in my underwear and playing with myself during the face to face, round table real meetings in the olden days
    Ya know what I mean? 🤔
I'm still attending these meetings from my office at work.... So.... I do need to be fully dressed and not touching places not meant to be touched in public. LOL It's only the corporate officers who have the luxury of working from home as their part of the state is still on lockdown for non-essential workers.


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 3:39 am

    Quoting MrWrong4RghtNow:
    Damn. I’ve never zoomed. I feel like I’m losing out on comedy gold. And I must say, mad props for this blog entry. Love love loved it! Your gift for acerbic wit amuses me to no end. This smart ass would bow but hey I’m also jealous spiteful sort. (Not really but I wanted to end this on a snark filled note)
I'm glad you enjoyed my sarcastic charm! I just remarked to Boss #2 yesterday how we could write a soap opera with all the scenarios and drama that unfold around work.... LOL And, yes, you are missing out on comedy gold if you haven't attended a skype/zoom meeting. They are something else...


secret_lade 46F
5183 posts
10/23/2020 3:28 am

    Quoting mc_justmc:
    We just get long, rambling, confusing emails, and then spend the rest of the day clarifying the message. At least Jeffrey Toobin was trying to make the best of it.
Don't worry.... It's those long, rambling, multi interpretational emails that lead to us having to attend the Zoom Meeting. 90% of the time, the Zoom Meeting does nothing to clear anything up, even with the Subject Matter Experts.


mc_justmc 60M  
6692 posts
10/23/2020 2:53 am

We just get long, rambling, confusing emails, and then spend the rest of the day clarifying the message. At least Jeffrey Toobin was trying to make the best of it.


MrWrong4RghtNow 54M  
705 posts
10/23/2020 1:31 am

Damn. I’ve never zoomed. I feel like I’m losing out on comedy gold. And I must say, mad props for this blog entry. Love love loved it! Your gift for acerbic wit amuses me to no end. This smart ass would bow but hey I’m also jealous spiteful sort. (Not really but I wanted to end this on a snark filled note)


Paulxx001 63M  
17148 posts
10/23/2020 12:17 am

Sounds about right.
Yep... I like 'look up the nostril guy/girl'.
But I have to say that I prefer these meetings to the in person kind.
I could never get away with showing up in my underwear and playing with myself during the face to face, round table real meetings in the olden days
Ya know what I mean? 🤔


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