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You see that smoke?
Posted:Jun 19, 2021 4:28 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2021 3:52 am
6129 Views

Yah... That smoke coming from that bridge... Yes, indeed, it is a blazing inferno of fire.

This burned bridge scorched my eyebrows.

the day my dad died I had needed talk a familiar voice, a friend, someone who could help me process that had happened.

I tried calling the Hippie.

*Striking match here*

He did not have his phone on so I sent him a text instead.

"My dad died today."

I knew that, at some point, he would turn the phone back on again and get the text. What I didn't expect was that this would be the text I received in return.

"Dam. Terrible broken times. Nothing good to say about anything. If I could suicide out, I'd be gone too. But I guess I'm going out violent & hot. Love you. Thank you for everything .... Loved you more than I ever loved myself. Didn't even turn the phone on at all yesterday. No reason for anything anymore."

*Holding match to gasoline soaked kindling surrounding bridge*

Really?!? My dad dies and this is the message I get in return.... A ', that sucks' would have sufficed. I ended letting him have it, both barrels.

"[Hippie], my dad died yesterday. An officer came my job break the news. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are MUCH worse things in life than refusing to get a job and crying poor everybody is out get . Your life is what you make it. Want a better life? Do something about it."

*Poof! Bridge completely engulfed in flame*

"Fuck you"

Thank God he didn't send another diatribe of rambling suicidal ideation for attention.

"Fuck you too you miserable fuck."

"Don't ever call me again, text or stop by you fat bitch"

*Flaming timbers falling into the deep ravine below the blazing inferno, bridge collapsed*

This has been an emotional period of change for me. Not since my divorce have I experienced such upheaval and feelings of finality.

Today though, for the first time in a while, I feel like I'm ready for some fresh starts.

Happy Saturday!
37 Comments
Picture it....
Posted:Jun 18, 2021 2:50 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2021 6:04 pm
5090 Views

The brother and I are seated in the small office of the funeral home....

Once again.

The management company for my father's apartment complex was kind enough allow us in retrieve my mother's cremated remains and search through his documents find the rumored life insurance documents that we'd heard about but never seen.

Miracle of miracles... One did exist.

So, there we sat.

Grandma Moses was seated across from us behind a desk, slowly combing through the policy with her coke-bottle glasses on the tip of her nose, policy about an inch from her face.

"You'll have pardon me, I'm legally blind."

Um... What?!?

I was missing the funeral director we'd been working with already. Ae we certain the blind woman is the best candidate to be going over policy information? At one point she had an assistant read aloud the policy number so she could write it down in large numbers on a sheet of paper....

Grandma Moses went to work calling the insurance company to find out the amount of the policy and who the beneficiary was, I sat there and thought about everything I had seen that morning.

Except for all the fans in the windows, the apartment looked just like any other lived-in apartment. A couple of dishes in the sink. A half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the counter, three dots of jelly on the counter next to it. A pair of socks were laying on the floor next to a recliner.... Like he'd sat down to relax and kicked off his socks.

Thankfully there was no evidence of where he had died and went unnoticed for fifteen days.

"Good news guys. The policy is active and there is enough to cover your father's burial costs. The policy holder is a [brother-in-law], we will have to make contact with him for his approval to appropriate funds."

Of all the things that had gone wrong so far, it was good to hear something go right. It was my father's Brother-In-Law who had initially alerted us to the fact that this policy did exist. The sister had originally been the beneficiary, but when she passed last year, it was transferred to her husband, Brother-In-Law.

My brother had given him a call right then and Brother-In-Law came right in to the funeral home. He was immediately emotional and broken up, tears in his eyes and his voice catching. He had thanked us for taking care of the arrangements even though we had originally believed we'd be covering the costs.

"Your dad didn't think you wanted anything to do with him, he just wanted to be taken care of when he passed."

"He's our dad. Regardless of anything that may have happened over the years, he's still our dad. There is no way we would not take care of him."

This got the Brother-In-Law crying, I could almost see a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

We had Grandma Moses go over the financials once again....

In total, the burial, the barn wood casket, and the headstone would be roughly $8000 and the policy would cover all of it. Brother-In-Law signed the final document allowing the funeral home to handle the monies and everything was said and done.

What was once a living, breathing human being is now gone, and all I can think of... Picture in my mind.... Is that half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich sitting on the counter.

Waiting for my father to finish eating it.
21 Comments
At the Funeral Home
Posted:Jun 17, 2021 5:10 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2021 3:47 am
5357 Views

My brother, my dad's sister, and my dad's brother and wife met the Spawn and I at the funeral home yesterday.

I was so happy not be alone.

I had not met my dad's brother and wife in person, we had merely remained in communication on faceplace, so they had waved excitedly when they drove past us in the parking lot.

My brother was also pulling into the parking lot at this point too.

While I'm glad that he is here, and taking care of the details this time, I also know the only reason he is here is because he sees dollar signs in his eyes.

I can't even tell you how many times he said he was the beneficiary of dad's life insurance policy while we were at the funeral home yesterday. Even as we were sitting there, talking about burial plots and caskets, he was focused on getting into dad's apartment and cleaning out his belongings.

"I know that policy is in there."

At the end he was talking about going through dad's stuff and wanting to sort it with me and I told him, I'm not going to want anything that was there.

"Bobby, I'm not going to want anything that was in that apartment. There is no need to sort."

"Mom's stuff was in there too."

"I know. Like I said, there isn't going to be anything there that I would want."

I had said it kindly, it was definitely not said out of anger or bitterness. He looked at me like, how could I not want mom's stuff?!?

He doesn't exactly remember her the way I do....

I remember the woman who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, the cigarette burns on my wrists are a permanent reminder to me of that.

Ugh....

So, day two of the funeral home looms ahead for me. Once again we are all coming together to finalize the obituary. We will be finalizing final costs of the burial and setting processes in place.

A chapter of my life is coming to a close

Thursday!
23 Comments
Death of a Stranger
Posted:Jun 15, 2021 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2021 12:40 am
9210 Views

My father was a stranger .

be honest, I don't know that I could have picked him out in a crowd.

I was at work today onboarding of my new people when one of the leaders tapped my shoulder and said "I'll take over, you have a visitor."

"I do?"

I looked at her like she was on crac She didn't know shit about doing the onboarding stuff for the new people

"Yes, you have an important visitor, I'll take over."

Hesitantly, I started to head out the door to see who the mysterious visitor was when I found myself face to face with Boss #2, Nate the Great, and a sheriff's deputy.

"Are you [secret_lade]?"

"Yes, yes I am."

Boss #2 and Nate were ready to step in, concern was all over their face.

They didn't know what was going on either.

"Is there a private place where we can talk?"

"Yes, we can go to my office...."

I had rounded the corner to my office and, as usual, there were people there waiting for .

Boss #2 and Nate were still by my side, I really think they were ready step in as a form of protection.

"She's not in trouble guys, this isn't anything like that. I told the same thing to her when I stopped by her home."

My home? Now my heart was pounding. This was bad news.

"You can use leadership office...."

Boss #2 unlocked the leadership office across the hall from my own and held the door open for me to enter, the officer falling directly behind me, closing the door before anyone else could enter.

The purpose of his visit was to notify me that my father had died at some point within the last couple of days. The sheriff's department had received a phone call from concerned neighbors who had not seen him in a couple of days and were asking to have a wellness check done.

The wellness check had confirmed that he had passed.

Nothing really prepares you for a moment like this.

Or for the moments after when you are trying to leave work with an officer who has just told you that your father has died and your coworkers are stopping you all along the way trying to joke around with you and asking you questions.

One of them actually asked me if I needed bail ....

Little did they know I was headed off the scene of a death sign papers for my father be released a funeral home.

On many occasions in the past I've done work with both the sheriff's department and the state police so it was not an unusual sight see walking around with an officer.

It was not something that would draw their suspicions.

So, it turns out that my father a heart attac

The crime scene investigator shared with me that there was no evidence he was being seen by any physicians and they did not find any medications in his apartment. He had uncontrolled hypertension that was not being helped by his heavy smoking and heavy drinking. He was an introvert and spent most of his time inside but made a trip every morning to buy his alcohol, which is what alerted the neighbors.

He'd stopped making the trips.

You know that saying... When it rains, it pours?

Well, I feel it pouring all over me right now.

It's a good think I've got that umbrella....
51 Comments
It's time to take the training wheels off.
Posted:Jun 13, 2021 7:01 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2021 4:28 pm
4991 Views

All aboard the emotional roller coaster!!

Next stop.... Ugly crying and stomach aches!

I found out today my Middle will be leaving quarantine and starting his recruit training tonight.

With that comes another middle-of-the-night scripted phone call.

It's been a blessing and a curse that I've found the faceplace thread that is specific to my 's battalion and company as the Admin's continue to update it with articles, information, and clips on what the recruits are experiencing.

One of the articles today was written by a drill instructor on the need to let your recruit go.

At some point a parent had contacted someone at the corps and complained of the barbaric practice of removing wisdom teeth during boot camp and that the decision was not up to the corps.

The drill instructor had stated boot camp is the best time and place for such procedures as the recruits have access to some of the best care and while deployed, those in active duty do not.

He had also stated that while all the recruits were on down time recovering from their dental procedures, he would make sure her recruit, seeing as how he was not going to be getting his wisdom teeth extracted, would receive his own special, personalized, one on one physical training session instead.

Today's was succinctly put....

"It's time to take those training wheels off."

Parents who do this type of stuff to their , their recruits, ultimately make it harder for them in the long run.

One thing I'm thankful for.... I'm glad my had his wisdom's extracted two years ago.

Wish me strength as I have a feeling my scripted phone call tonight will be much, much harder than the first one I received last week. I have a feeling this one will have the drill sergeant yelling in the background and my yelling in my ear.

I didn't think it was possible for me to cry any more than I already have.....

But, apparently it is. I've cried all morning since I first read the news I would be getting one more phone call.

My little cryballs are looking pretty rough right now.
11 Comments
This week's award for most irritating ice breaker message goes to....
Posted:Jun 12, 2021 5:27 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2021 3:49 am
5244 Views

This guy.

What's up with the feet photos? I mean, why not. If a boob pic is required then one might question the the integrity of the respondent.
6//2021 1:07 pm


What the fuck does that even mean?

I continue to remain discouraged with just about everything in regard to the quality of men in my local area.

not really asking for a whole lot... Smart, funny, gainfully employed.

This is proving to be an impossible find.
27 Comments
Let's play a little game.
Posted:Jun 11, 2021 10:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2021 10:24 pm
5359 Views

We'll call it....

What's crawling my leg??

For the first time in literal DAYS I was able fall asleep and stay asleep this evening.

The humidity was lifting so I was able open my bedroom window...

Feeling the soft, cool breeze as it gently drifted across my skin had lulled sleep early, and I was thankful.

It was at some point around midnight that I found myself sitting upright in my bed, freaking out, swiping a beetle of some sort off my leg.

" my God! my God! my God!"

Do you know what it's like go from sound asleep maniac freak out mode in 6 seconds flat?!?

"What's going ON back here! Are you watching scary movies again??"

The Spawn came huffing down the hallway, she was still awake watching a movie on her phone in the living room.

"I don't know, my brain's not awake yet. Something's on my leg!!"

Like the little shit she is, she flipped on my bedroom light, blinding me on top of it all.

So, there I was, barely conscious, blinded, swatting frantically at whatever it was that was crawling on my leg.

" My God Mom, it's just a bug."

With a disapproving sigh and grunt, she picked the bug and away she went with it.

"Thank you..."

"I'm doing it for , not you. I want finish my movie and you won't stop until the bug is gone."

"I love you!"

"I love you too."

Happy middle-of-the-night Friday!
14 Comments
How was your day?
Posted:Jun 11, 2021 3:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2021 5:03 pm
5147 Views

I went to work with my shirt inside .....

That was how my went.

I didn't even notice it for several hours.

It wasn't until I was looking down my hand that I noticed the seam was on the wrong side of my sleeve.

"What the hell?"

I had been all over the store by that moment and talked to a million people.

How could this have not been noticed?!?

I walked onto the sales floor and eyeballed my peers with harsh scrutiny. certain people noticed and just decided to not say anything because the basket case who is still crying about her .

I guess I needed to the part too.

Good God....

Thank God it's Friday.
20 Comments
How are you doing?
Posted:Jun 10, 2021 2:32 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2021 3:12 pm
5303 Views

While most of my coworkers were tactful enough to avoid the subject of my altogether, I did have a few that stopped by my office to flash their... I'm sympathetic of your plight 'for show only' concerns.

I hate people like this.

You don't talk to them, they barely notice you're alive, but suddenly they feel it is necessary to pick the most visible moment of the day to stop by and offer empathy.

They aren't expressing concern. They are cultivating an image.

Fake and Bake was walking past my office yesterday when she decided to stop and back up a step, staring solemnly into my office.

"How are we feeling today."

Her lips were pursed into a forced frown and she was holding her hand across her chest.

"I'm experiencing the deepest most sorrowful pain I've ever experienced in my life."

The look on her face was priceless as she pulled back just a hair, the forced frown pulling up into a contorted half smile, half mouth agape expression. I stared at her as she searched for a response in her mind but could find none.

She shook her head up and down and walked away.

It's amazing what brutal honesty can do to a conversation.

I need to start doing this more often.

Happy Thursday!
17 Comments
Back to the grind....
Posted:Jun 9, 2021 2:11 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2021 10:34 pm
5072 Views

Argh!!

Today is going to be my first day back to work since everything happened. I'd much rather have my toe nails peeled back off their nailbeds then face that place and all those people.

I already know it's going to be a non-stop stream of coworkers and employees 'stopping in to say hi' and see how I'm doing.

Anyone want to take bets on how long it will take before I want to punch someone in the nose?

Thankfully it will be a BUSY day for me, considering I took Monday and Tuesday off and have to facilitate an orientation today.

I'll have no time to shoot-the-shit with the well-wishers!

Wish me luck on not finding myself on the 6 o'clock news for assault and battery!

Happy Wednesday!
17 Comments
He has arrived safely.
Posted:Jun 7, 2021 11:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2021 4:46 pm
5428 Views

At 1:46 am I received my call.

I knew exactly what he was going to say. I knew we wouldn't be able to talk. I knew he had to stick to the script. I tried to make it as easy for him as I could.

I said hello.

He read his script. There was no drill sergeant yelling in the background.

I was silent. I could hear his voice start to catch as soon as he said he had arrived safely.

I did not cry. I wanted to but I did not. If I had cried, he surely would have too... And that would be bad.

At 1:47 am he said good bye and hung up.

I will not hear the Middle 's voice again until mid September..... When i do, he will have been retrained to be hardened and indifferent.

I feel as though I want to shrivel up and die.

The Spawn had put it perfectly though, earlier today when I asked her how she was doing with it all.

"I'm fine, Mom. [Middle ] is doing what he wanted to do. You have to let him go to live his life."

She was right.
23 Comments
Today
Posted:Jun 7, 2021 6:19 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2021 11:12 pm
5089 Views
I am neither funny nor witty.....

I am broken.

I have cried to the point that my eyes are gritty and raw.

My mind races with thoughts of everything that I've read and seen on the Marine Parents website. Pictures of drill sergeants screaming into the ears of recruits as they fumble with bedding and lace tying.

My phone is at my side as I know that at some point tonight or early tomorrow morning he will be calling me to scream into my ear as he reads from a script to tell me he made it safely. I am unprepared to hear his screaming voice while his drill sergeant yells at him from behind.

I know this will be happening as the recruiter was kind enough to prepare me.

But as much as I am dreading this call, I am also desperately, anxiously awaiting this call as this will be the last time I hear his voice until September 17th, the day he graduates basic.

Until that point, he is merely a recruit, less than human, not deserving of civility or decorum. Same goes for me, apparently, as I am merely a recruit parent. I must refer to my as Recruit [name] on all correspondence I send him and it must be upbeat and motivational to keep him inspired.

I could not bring myself to go home last night, so The Spawn and I went on a spur of the moment road trip. We drove for hours around spots in the UP just seeing stuff we had not yet seen.

Big fish at the bottom of Kitchipee....

The sand dunes on US 2....

We climbed t the bottom of the Cut River bridge and waded in Lake Michigan....

And we took pictures from the top of Castle Rock....

More than anything I needed that day to be more than just the day I lost my . Now it is also the day that The Spawn and I set out to explore the world and see the sights....

As a family of two.







9 Comments
There goes my boy....
Posted:Jun 6, 2021 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2021 5:18 am
4653 Views

The I dreaded has come.

I dropped my off to ship to boot camp 9am this morning.

I am dying inside.

I already miss him so very much....
2 Comments

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