HAPPY NEW YEAR
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Posted:Jan 2, 2010 12:04 am
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2021 12:42 pm
8200 Views
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HAPPY NEW YEAR
* Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
* Memorize your favorite poem.
* Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
* When you say, "I love you", mean it.
* When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
* Believe in love at first sight.
* Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
* Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
* In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
* Talk slow, but think quick.
* Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
* Call your Mom and Dad.
* Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
* When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
* Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
* Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
* When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
* Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
* Spend some time alone.
* Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Read more books and watch less TV.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
* Trust in God but lock your car.
* A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
* In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
* Read between the lines.
* Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
* Be gentle with the earth.
* Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
* If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
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Paradise
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Posted:Aug 15, 2009 4:43 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2021 12:44 pm
8521 Views
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I got this from a friend and thought I'd share....
Paradise
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much does it cost to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it's free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part. You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
St. Peter and the old man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "It's all your fault! It's all your fault!"
His wife said, "My fault? What are you talking about?"
He yelled, "If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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More random things
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Posted:Jul 13, 2009 12:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2021 12:45 pm
8498 Views
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Wacky Newspaper Headlines
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
- War Dims Hope For Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
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13 Ways to be Annoying
1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
8. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
9. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
10. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
11. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
12. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
13. Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
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More random things....
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Posted:Feb 9, 2009 7:35 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2021 12:46 pm
8881 Views
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Think About It
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
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Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).
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Just a few random things...
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Posted:Feb 6, 2009 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Feb 9, 2009 7:28 pm
8365 Views
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It's So True
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Be nice to your . They'll choose your nursing home.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your .
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
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Next Life
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Posted:Jan 24, 2009 12:13 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2009 2:02 pm
8701 Views
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Just something else I thought I'd share....
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a , you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap.
And then...
You finish off as an Orgasm.
I Rest my Case.
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Walmart application
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Posted:Jan 24, 2009 12:07 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2009 7:48 pm
8578 Views
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A friend sent this to me, I just thought I'd share it. 
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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New Year Message
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Posted:Jan 1, 2009 11:34 am
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2009 6:08 pm
8606 Views
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New Year is the time to bid farewell to the old year and welcome the coming year. It is the time to forget and get past memories that are no longer useful or worth pondering upon. It is the time for new beginnings and new starts in life. New Year has a message for each one of us. One should let go of the past that has bad memories and accept what has happened, has happened for some reason. Instead of clinging onto your past and things that have gone, it is better to let go.
There is an old saying that goes, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened". This essentially means that there is no use crying over spilt milk. You cannot turn back time and do things that would benefit you. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue. New year is the time of new beginnings. It is time to start afresh and do things that would make someone else smile. Make a pledge to make at least one person happy. You will see the difference it can make in both your lives. The essential message of New Year is let go off the past and embrace life as it comes to you. You will be happier and merrier that way.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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New Year Superstitions
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Posted:Jan 1, 2009 11:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2009 3:18 pm
8514 Views
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New Year Superstitions
Drinking and kissing your spouse or life partner at the stroke of midnight is a very popular New Year superstition. Most superstitions, traditions and customs related to beginning of a year stems from the belief that whatever you do on the first day of the year will set the pattern for the whole coming year. Other superstitions are to ward off evil spirits and invite Lady Luck in our house. January 1st is supposed to be the most important day of the year as everything we do on this day is supposed to become a part of our life for the next 364 days. Some popular New Year superstitions are:
Avoid breaking things, crying and wailing on the first day of the year, if you don't want to continue the pattern for the entire year.
Babies born on 1st January is said to be the luckiest of all throughout their lives.
Do not let money, jewelry, precious items or other invaluable things leave your home on New Year Day. Do not pay loans and bills or lend things to anybody, if you do not want to show just-entered fortune the way to leave during the year. People go to the extent of not taking out garbage or even not dusting their carpets on this day to ensure that nothing goes out of home during the year.
Dress well throughout the year by wearing new clothes on January 1.
Evil One and his attendants and servants hate din and loud noise. So, scare them away by being as loud in New Year celebrations as possible. Church bells are rung at midnight for the purpose too.
Full larders, cupboards stocked up with food and wallets and purses full of money bring prosperity in New Year.
If you have to deliver presents on New Year morning, leave them in the car since New Year Eve on December 31st.
If you must take something out from the home, let someone come with the present inside the home first.
Never leave the home before someone comes in first. First footer in the house should be ushered in with a warm welcome and should not have flat feet, cross-eyes or eyebrows stretching out to meet in the middle.
Pay your bills and loans before New Year Eve, so you don't have any debt left for New Year.
People do not wash hair on New Year and wear festive red clothing for happiness all the year round.
The direction of wind during sunrise on New Year morning prophesizes about the coming year. Wind from south foretells fine weather and prosperous times ahead, wind from north foretells bad weather, wind from east foretells famine and natural calamities and wind from west foretells plenty of milk and fish for all but death of a person of great national importance. No wind means joy and prosperity throughout the year.
Token amount of work on first day of the year means advancements in career but starting out a serious work project is unlucky on New Year Day.
Washing dishes and doing laundry on this day is said to lead to a death in the family during the year.
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23 Tips For A Better Life
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Posted:Dec 7, 2008 8:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2009 7:45 pm
8779 Views
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1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to __________ today."
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this even matter?"
17. Forgive everyone...for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. However good or bad a situation is...it will change.
20. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your loved ones will, period.
21. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
22. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________ .
23. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
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Real Friend Test
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Posted:Dec 7, 2008 7:52 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2009 7:48 pm
8861 Views
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A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'Pepsi drawer' with her foot!
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears..
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it!
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
I'm SO thankful for my real friends, both near and far.
Big  to you
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