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scary mommy  

wickedeasy 70F  
11005 posts
12/4/2016 3:09 pm
scary mommy



My mother told my sister and I about sex when I was in second grade and my sister was in fourth grade. We were sitting on our beds and mama was sitting on a desk chair at the end of the beds sort of between them but a little bit aways since the space was skinny and the chair wouldn’t really fit in, so to speak. It started off okay with how girls get the curse and then you have to fight off men like they have some kind of demon in them, sort of scifi-ish.

Then mama turned all serious and started with the baseball. Mama didn’t much care for baseball, which was clear. I was tuning out now but my sister threw her stuffed at me like I should listen up so I caught up just as someone stuck a tongue down someone’s throat.

My sister ran for the bathroom and mama got up to go after her and I sat there wondering what the hell that had to do with baseball.

My sister, the saint, was dragged back in. mama said tongues in the mouth were called French kissing. I asked if there other countries that used other parts and she gave me that look so I guessed the answer was no but I thought it was a smart question. So I asked did the French make this up. She said she had no idea why it’s called French kissing it just is. I said it should be called tongue kissing cuz that would make more sense. Mama sighed.

So second base was when a boy touched a girls nipples. I was still going without a shirt in the summer at the camp so I didn’t much think about nipples but my sister the Saint always wore a shirt now and seemed to guard hers with her life so maybe this mattered to her. I ignored this part.

Third base you will simply not believe. It’s when a boy wants to play with your pee-er. Mama always makes us call it a vagina but I hate that word cuz it’s ugly. So the Saint and I call it the taco. We like tacos. The saint figured out if you rub a nail board at the top of the taco inside, it makes you feel all fidgety and stuff. Well she does anyway. So far it’s not doing much for me. And get this…….an entire baby is supposed to come flying out of that little hole…..no way. Mama is out of her mind.

I start laughing and rolling around the bed and squirting babies out my pee hole ‘til mama reaches over and grabs me. THIS IS NOT FUNNY! THIS IS SERIOUS!. But it is. It’s too funny. The Saint starts to cry ….again…….so that gets messy and I scoot out of there to find Da. He’s smoking his pipe and I settle in under his arm.

“The Saint is crying.”

“Uh huh and don’t call her that”

“Mama is mad at me cuz I laughed”

He choked on the smoke a little. “uh huh”

“Why is sex about baseball?”

He got up from his chair and yelled up the stairs…….. “I told you they were too young”

Mama ran down the stairs and gave him the look.

I took off. The Saint was sitting on her bed, perfectly composed. She just shook her head, waving her hand in the air. I picked up my book. Guess that’s it.

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


wickedeasy 70F  
32406 posts
12/4/2016 3:13 pm

my father took over the sex ed but did it one on one. the Saint heard her version. I got mine. mine was pretty straight forward.

he also told me that my head would explode if I had sex before I was 25. but by then I was a pretty savvy reader of my Da. i was pretty sure if anyone's head was gonna blow off, it would be his.

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


tickles4us 58M
7175 posts
12/4/2016 3:17 pm

Yea, that might have been a little early for that kind of detail but you have to start somewhere.

Vive La Difference


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:39 pm:
my mother always told us too much. good lord, and the detail....

TicklePlease 52F  
12835 posts
12/4/2016 3:21 pm

taco! I never knew what body parts were officially called until health class. I also didn't know any euphemisms. Growing up in the south, we ignored those un-ladylike bits.

All I remember about the one and only sex-talk I got was that condoms at that time came rolled onto what looked like miniature cardboard toilet paper tubes. And the tubes fit just perfectly over the tips of my fingers like fake fingernails, which naturally was WAY more interesting (and less awkward) than listening to your DAD try to explain what a condom was for when you were 8 years old. I recall him snatching up the tubes and condoms and walking out. Nothing was ever said again.


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:42 pm:
my Da was a quiet man. my mama talked enough for both of them.

by the time he told us about sex, we already knew enough to make the talk superfluous. pretty sure he planned it that way. snork

nawtygc 41M
41 posts
12/4/2016 3:26 pm

baseball hey lol


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:42 pm:
I still gotta wonder who came up with that analogy........

mufdiver69er2 60M  
1383 posts
12/4/2016 4:49 pm

I bet you all know what a grand slam homer is now though,huh?

woop woop


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:43 pm:
err.......no

but my mind is going nuts thinking of the possibilities.

kzoopair 69M/67F
25795 posts
12/4/2016 5:10 pm

God damn, I love this, and I love you too!

I was a farm kid, but for some kid reason I didn't think what animals did necessarily applied to people. Go figure. It's really one of those things where you gotta be there, ya know? When I got older and finally had that eureka moment I didn't have to give it a hell of a lot of thought. It's kind of like meditation and satori in that way.

What a wonderful post. Thank you!

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wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:46 pm:
oh darlin', ain't that the truth. the eureka moment when it all sorta comes together.

so THAT's what they're doing........OMG. snork.

and then, that's all you see......everyone, everywhere.....just doin' it.

pocogato12 68F  
34196 posts
12/4/2016 5:29 pm

What a terrific post. I know it made me laugh and then it made me think seriously abut what parents really told children back in the "dark ages" if they got told anything at all. One of the things I remember is a chum of mine in grade school telling me her mother told her periods were a gift from G*d- yep

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wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:47 pm:
my friend Margaret's mom told her that. I told her my mama said it was the curse. we had some serious discussion about it until we got it and then we agreed.....curse. lol

smartasswoman 62F  
33385 posts
12/4/2016 7:25 pm

Well, it was a start

I honestly don't remember ever getting a talk from my mom or dad. The first sex ed I remember was the movie about getting your period - the special one where they made all the boys leave the classroom lol.


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:49 pm:
oh yes, the sic of the fallopian tubes in middle school. no sex ed for me, I was born way before you.

KtMnDu 68M
6214 posts
12/4/2016 7:54 pm

My Mom found the magazines, and that prompted "The Talk"....it was pretty much "If you got questions, just ask".....I might have been better off with the baseball analogies.....

It's clear a lot of us were on our own.....


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:50 pm:
my son knew everything early on because I worked in HIV and he got scared I was going to die so we talked. he then took condoms into kindergarten and educated his class. I was called to school and told he needed not to do that but also told he was right on the money.

so proud.......yikes

bipolybabe69 58F
284 posts
12/4/2016 11:01 pm

I feel for ya, having a sainted sister.

Loved this story!


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:51 pm:
she still is the Saint. it's tough

HamburgDave2 77M
16531 posts
12/5/2016 3:42 am

Thanks for a Great Story....Baseball??? Sounds like Dad was a big hitter

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wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:51 pm:
my dad was Irish.......they're all big hitters.

goodatpoetry2 70M
16562 posts
12/5/2016 8:40 am

So she never even mentioned the boy's *baseball bat* ?


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:52 pm:


good lord man........the woman probably never said the word penis in her life!!!

spunkycumfun 60M/65F  
36115 posts
12/5/2016 8:42 am

My parents bought a book on the facts of life but they never got round to telling me or giving me the book!


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:53 pm:
I can just picture them in bed reading it and getting all silly.........

doe_ra_me 108M

12/5/2016 1:16 pm

Great story, written in context, it transported me back to comparative experiences. I think human experiences affect us, both positive and negative, how we in turn deal with those situation when it is our turn, ie: repeating lessons of life until learned. The X and I thought that the way to deal with human sexuality was to discuss until the tuning out followed. Little by little, after a bit of time, both girls absorbed what they needed to know in order to safely explore when they were ready. It was gonna happen regardless, might as well try to hep'em.

And that graphic expresses wisdom, nothing will convey the responsibility of life better than holding a baby for a few hours.

I recall sharing animation with my girls, Where Do Babies Come From. The older girl thought it was a riot, the younger watched in silence. Their personalities are still that way, one boisterous, the other contemplative. Water finds its own level.

We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in their place.


wickedeasy replies on 12/5/2016 1:58 pm:
so true Doe.

my son would talk to me in spurts. he's say......back in a few, go upstairs, digest. then come back down usually while I was cooking and ask a question tomy back. this was when he was older and the questions more intense.

I loved that he had his own speed.....and that he processed. and that he would sometimes look at me and say in utter horror.....oh that's just gross.....lol

BiggLala 48F  
28829 posts
12/5/2016 6:45 pm

This is awesome and so funny. I can picture your Da yelling up the stairs at your mom, and her coming down with a stern look. Makes me wonder what your mom was told when she was young and how their wedding night went.

The only thing my mother told me about sex was 'boys only want one thing and when they get it they leave you'. I later learned why that was all I heard from her, but for a long time I wondered what the 'thing' was. Geeez!

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wickedeasy replies on 12/6/2016 10:07 am:
=)

that one thing..........

geeze is right. now you could think it's a BJ, cuz they all want a BJ, right? but I bet your mama meant something else....

anal?

missthee 54F  
4271 posts
12/19/2016 2:30 am

Well written
I never got the talk from either parent about the mechanical details. However there were plenty of printed sources in the house and the school library to get self-educated.
I didn't find the union of male and female bodies too weird or gross. But to this day I never really understood how two zygotic cells decide they are right for each other to proceed to unite.


KinkyStudent 26M
12 posts
2/28/2017 3:28 pm

Haha, nicely written


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