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Maybe I'm Retarded  

xdrearydancerx 33F
633 posts
5/21/2021 4:26 pm
Maybe I'm Retarded


I know that is an illegal word these days but I don’t care. I still use it. But anyway.......

I remember being an innocent girl in high school who had never dated or kissed a guy. I didn’t even go prom. I would just wonder what guys thought of me or if anyone liked me. I didn’t know what think of men. I guess I just thought men were very shallow and only cared about looks and sex. I didn’t have much of an opinion back then. Well, what I thought was true but it’s much deeper and worse than that. Good god, if I knew about all my future disappointment.

Well, here I am 32 , with all my bad dating and hookup experiences behind . Probably the only good thing I can say about my 20s is how much I learned. For , there was no first love or exciting dating life. At least I had sex. At least I kissed guys. But did I have a normal dating and romantic life? Did I ever feel special or attractive? Not at all. There was only embarrassment, rejection, sexual harassment, and loneliness. My experiences really made me feel so small and I can’t believe all the morons I tolerated. I should have told them off and put them in their place a lot more than I did.

I still think back to the way I acted in certain situations and think, “What a DUMBASS!!! What was I thinking?!!” LOL One memory that always sticks out, is that one night stand I had when I was 27. Why did I act so stupid?!! Why did I psychotically obsess over someone who didn’t care about me? I don’t know. I guess I never had an experience with someone so handsome like that before. It’s not so much that I regret sleeping with that guy, it’s how I looked afterwards. I can’t believe I told him how I felt. That was extremely embarrassing!!! When I texted him a few times after we met, and the last time I talked to him, it was clear how much he didn’t care for me and how mean he was.

Time and again, I have encountered so many guys who wanted one thing from and were not honest about it. Why just last week, I talked to this Hinge guy on the phone. He asked when my last relationship was and how long. I hesitated to tell him at first and then I admitted I had none. He said he was very surprised because of how look in pictures and there must have been men after me. Yeah right. lol It’s like YOU don’t even want date me, because this guy never talked me again or asked me out!! LOL And I know he was just looking to hook up with me. Some people might say he wasn’t interested in me because I’m not experienced enough in relationships. I say it has more to do with sex and he had some other<b> chicks </font></b>lined up on Hinge. Whatever. Doesn’t impress me.

Now, I feel I am at a place where I don’t care what happens anymore. I feel very hurt from the past, but in a way it doesn’t matter what else comes in the future. Not that nothing will hurt my feelings anymore, but I feel so numb now. I think I should just try meeting different people and expect the worst, because I’ve seen it all before. The only thing that would surprise this point is falling in love. And I don’t think I am very picky because I have dealt with different types such as attractive, not attractive, similar to , or very different. None of it seemed to matter because they all ended up being the same guy, not for me. At least I can tell this to nasty people who say I try to date “ of my league.” Yeah right!!! Lol And I can’t help but feel bad how a lot of women just breathe and they are always dating or in relationships. They don’t have to worry about it. It’s just a given for them. It totally amazes me.

Probably the most important thing that I learned and will never forget in any relationship, is that you never really know anyone. Never trust anyone. I can’t believe I used to get excited just texting with someone or going on one date with them, feeling that I had a good impression of them. Like it’s good to feel that way but do you really know them? Nope. Maybe a guy is showing you he has perfect manners because he was well brought up. Or maybe he is a player. You don’t know. Hey, you could be married to someone for and find out they were hiding massive lies from you. It’s like that movie with James Spader, Dream Lover. Life is full of bad surprises.

EDIT: I know I said that I didn't regret that one night stand. Actually, I do because that guy was a massive liar. He might have been the biggest liar I ever encountered in my shitty dating life. Ridiculous guy. Like I can't believe guys go through all that effort to take you on a normal date and act like a nice guy, when they aren't. They are doing anything to get you to sleep with them. I feel so stupid I let him do that to me!! He did not deserve my treasures!! LOL


HAMONMAN 62M
12913 posts
5/21/2021 7:16 pm

you bared your soul for us


Humanity peaked during the 20th century.
We can't even make a decent starter solenoid any longer.


xdrearydancerx replies on 5/21/2021 7:31 pm:
Is that a bad thing? Maybe too much information!! lol

HAMONMAN 62M
12913 posts
5/21/2021 10:27 pm

no, just an observation


Humanity peaked during the 20th century.
We can't even make a decent starter solenoid any longer.


Wat2dowithme 102F
42 posts
5/21/2021 11:55 pm

Well said my Dear.... As much as you want to have faith in people it just doesn't seem smart. I have always given people RESPECT and TRUST regardless of who you were or if I had just met them. It's up to them to decide if they're going to keep that? To my surprise (not really) they find a way to always FUCK IT UP. I really enjoyed reading your blog I was able to identify with a lot of it. Hopefully someday we will get some answers but until then I will stay positive, be aware and always open to amazing possibilities. Blessings to you always 💙


nsnguystill 69M
390 posts
5/22/2021 3:03 am

lonely maybe... retarded? no! if you were retarded you would not have a clear insight to your life.
but if you are looking to change your tomorrow why would you be on a hookup site.
there is a world of difference between insanity and stupidity

there is a world of difference between insane and stupid


powercaps716 65M
75328 posts
5/22/2021 5:14 am

Well , welcome back , nice to see you again it has been a long time and  you've been missed in the world of confusion and mayhem. as for your story it sounds like the same old thing but  you must question yourself what is it that i'm looking for in a mate , some people shoot for the fences and want  it all , others will settle for the simple things life has to offer. one day at a time  , learn the person watch the person, and understand what is being said and done. never give up and always stay positive  some one will come your way when you least expect them to come. i'm glad your back


xdrearydancerx 33F
297 posts
5/22/2021 6:47 am

    Quoting nsnguystill:
    lonely maybe... retarded? no! if you were retarded you would not have a clear insight to your life.
    but if you are looking to change your tomorrow why would you be on a hookup site.
    there is a world of difference between insanity and stupidity
Well, I would like to have a relationship but I'm not looking for one on here. I don't think there is anything wrong with sex outside of a relationship. I don't see how it affects my chances. With most guys I want to be serious with, I don't have sex or even kiss them on the first date.


xdrearydancerx 33F
297 posts
5/22/2021 10:17 am

    Quoting Wat2dowithme:
    Well said my Dear.... As much as you want to have faith in people it just doesn't seem smart. I have always given people RESPECT and TRUST regardless of who you were or if I had just met them. It's up to them to decide if they're going to keep that? To my surprise (not really) they find a way to always FUCK IT UP. I really enjoyed reading your blog I was able to identify with a lot of it. Hopefully someday we will get some answers but until then I will stay positive, be aware and always open to amazing possibilities. Blessings to you always 💙
Aww, thank you sweetheart. <3


nsnguystill 69M
390 posts
5/22/2021 1:22 pm

in regards to your two replies to my replies in your post. please understand i am not judging your actions or beliefs. what you do and who you fuck is on you... just saying don't blame yourself for someone else's actions
bonne vie

there is a world of difference between insane and stupid


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