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Vegetable Love 11/17/2006
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you.
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
We make a swell pear.!!
0 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Preciuos 11/17/2006
A naive young girl was visiting friends.She phoned her
mom to let her know how she was getting along. "Things
are rather strange here.I see men who hold hands, kiss
and hug each other they are called gay or homosexual.Even
more surprising, there are women here who do the same things
and they are referred to as lesbians.You probably won't
believe this, but some men here put their head down ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Clean Up 11/17/2006
A woman send her clothing out to the Chinese laundry...when
it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next day she encloses a note to the China man "use
more soap on panties".
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same
note to the laundry. Finally the China man responded with,
"use more paper on ass."
0 Comments, 81 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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The Balloon! 11/16/2006
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all
around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable
to break something. The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off.
You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one ...
1 Comments, 123 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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Funny for women 11/16/2006
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon
a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other
side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the
strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able
to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God,
please ...
0 Comments, 131 Views,
11 Votes
,3.17 Score
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The witch 11/16/2006
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE
TO HAVE A
LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT
THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS
TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO
OF MY
GIRLS ON ...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
12 Votes
,3.68 Score
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mopping floors 11/16/2006
Q; how many men does it take to mop a floor? A; none that's
a womans job
0 Comments, 41 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score
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little johnny 11/16/2006
johnny walks by his older neighbor one day, with a roll of
duct tape in his hand. the man asks "what are you up
to johnny" and johnny says i found this duck tape i
guess i'll go get some ducks with it, and he goes on his
way. about an hour later he comes back with 3 ducks wrapped
up in the tape. the next day the man sees johnny whith some
chicken wire, and asks johnny what he's doing. ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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when is a man smartest? 11/16/2006
Q; when is a man smartest, before, during, or after sex?
A; during, he's plugged into the know-it-all
3 Comments, 117 Views,
9 Votes
,0.65 Score
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Beer Prayer 11/16/2006
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk at home, as it is in the inn
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill aganist us
Lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager
Barmen
0 Comments, 42 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Blonde 3 11/15/2006
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get captured by the evil
empire and sentenced to be executed by firing squad.
The redhead is led to the firing squad and blindfolded.
The captain of the squad then yells "ready....aim..."
and before he can finish the redhead yells "tornado!".
The firing squad is scared by this and they run away allowing
the redhead to escape.
The brunette is then led ...
3 Comments, 193 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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blonde 2 11/15/2006
What do you call a brunette thats talking with two blondes?
a translator
0 Comments, 97 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score
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blonde 11/15/2006
What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
artificial intelligence
0 Comments, 64 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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Men NEVER Listen! 11/15/2006
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise
not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch.
...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
11 Votes
,5.78 Score
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Beware 11/15/2006
The Surgeon General has determined that excessive consumption
of alcoholic
beverages could cause you to sleep with someone you normally
wouldn't talk to !!!
0 Comments, 53 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
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Husband Comparisons 11/15/2006
Three women were chatting and comparing their respective
husbands.
I call my husband Ferrari, says the first, "because
he's fast, sleek and
really good-looking"
I call my husband Land Rover, says the second, "because,
although he is nothing
fancy to look at, and often quite dirty, he has a certain
rugged appeal- and he will
go anywhere."
I call my husband 1935 Austin, says the ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Taste 11/15/2006
In a Biology class, the Professor was discussing the high
glucose level
found in semen.
A freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand,
you're saying there
is as much glucose in semen as in sugar?"
"That's correct responded the Professor, going
on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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The Priest and the Cock 11/14/2006
There was a priest who lost a favourite cock. During the
Sunday sermon he said
"Anyone who has the cock, please stand"- All
the men stood,
"No, I mean anyone who has seen the cock, please stand?"-
All the women stood,
"No, I mean anyone who has seen my cock, please stand?"-All
the nuns stood.
0 Comments, 78 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Drunks 11/14/2006
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.The first one
says, "Ya know when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't
bend it with both hands.By the tyme I was 40, I could bend
it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.By the tyme I was
50, I could bend it about 20 degrees no problem, I'm
gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half
with just one hand."
So, says ...
0 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX 11/14/2006
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up who had hair of red.My
father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my -in-law and changed my very life.My
was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Little Johnny 11/13/2006
Little Johnny came home from school one day and told his
Dad he got a " C " in maths, because of how he answered
a simple question.
What was the question his dad enquired ?
The teacher asked me what 3 times 2 was and I said 6.
Correct his dad said.
Then she asked me what 2 times 3 is.
What's the f***king difference said his dad.
That's what I said replied little Johnny.
1 Comments, 183 Views,
12 Votes
,3.33 Score
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Girl on the tracks 11/13/2006
I found a firm-figured young Lady tied to the railway tracks,
so I untied her and we had amazing sex.
I might get a blow job next, if I can find her head.
0 Comments, 70 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Naughty Boy 11/13/2006
A naughty school boy draws a picture of a penis on the blackboard.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next morning the boy draws a larger penis and once again
the teacher rubs it off.
Following morning he draws an even larger penis and writes
below it
" The more you rub, the bigger it gets. "
0 Comments, 114 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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One for You! 11/12/2006
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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BULL.........! 11/12/2006
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following
a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping
his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next
table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Learning about gardening: 11/12/2006
A third grade teacher was teaching her class about gardening,
and she was showing some pictures of the different tools
needed to have a nice garden. The first picture she held
up was a shovel. She asked what it was and this little girl
raised her hand and said it was a shovel, that is right she
said, can anyone tell me what this is and she held up a picture
of a rake. another student ...
0 Comments, 166 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
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The Perfect Penis 11/10/2006
Two boys were outside having a discussion when one of them
said " I don't know, but I'll go find out"
The boys runs in side and said "Dad, whats a penis?"
The father dropped his pants, pulled out his penis and
said. ", THATS a penis, and if i say so myself, its
a perfect penis." The boy thanked his father and went
back outside.
He friend asked him if he found out. The ...
0 Comments, 141 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Buying Condoms 11/10/2006
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for help
buying condoms.
The pharmacist asks the man what he has in mind and the man
says he wants to buy the comdoms with insecticide.
The pharmacist is puzzled and asks the man if he means the
ones with spermicide.
The man says no he needs the ones with insecticide because
his wife has a bug up her ass and he is going in after ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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Accident 11/10/2006
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am,
if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is
as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
0 Comments, 85 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Sexual Excuse 11/10/2006
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and
I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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